How to Pray for a Narcissist: 10 Ways

I want to pray, but don’t know how. How to Pray for a Narcissist. It begins with honesty. It prays for light.

Can a Narcissist change?

That’s a question many people ask.

But it’s much like that old joke about psychologists changing a lightbulb.

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the light bulb has to want to change!

What about this light bulb joke?

How Many Narcissists Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?
One… they hold it in place and wait for the world to revolve around them.

Seriously though, can those with deeply engrained narcistic tendencies change?

Many say they can’t.

I say they can, but it will involve a complete breaking down of all the thinking structures they have built around themselves.

I believe that type of radical change can only come through prayer

Narcissists are caught in a delusional spell.

The world has to revolve around them.

How do we pray when someone we care about is under the spell of narcissus?

Before we get into the list, there is something we must understand.

God has given all of us freewill.

We have a volitional choice in all things. God will not cross any one’s freedom to choose.

I often say ‘You can lead a horse to water, put ice cubes in the water, sprinkle rose petals on the water, sing ‘kum by yah My Lord’, and the horse will still not drink’

There is also a saying, ‘There are none so blind as those who will not see.’

I would add to that ‘There are none so blind as those who refuse to wear their prescription glasses.’

How blind are you?

How blind are those you care about?

We can’t change them, but we can pray for them.

How to Pray for a Narcissist

1. Pray with an examination of yourself first

It’s important I believe to come to God fully aware of our own narcistic tendencies. We all have them.

Review the list of eleven characteristics of those with narcistic personality disorder and honestly look to where you might need to examine the speck in your own eye before praying about the log in another’s eye. Matthew 7:3-5

This self-examination brings us to the place of humble, honest prayer

Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 139:23,24

2. Pray the way Jesus prayed

The first followers of Jesus asked him how to pray. So he told them.

Our Father in heaven,
    hallowed be your name.
Your kingdom come.
    Your will be done,
        on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our debts,
        as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And do not bring us to the time of trial,
        but rescue us from the evil one. Matthew 6:9-13

I like this little quote from Richard Rohr

To say, “Thy kingdom come,” we must say in the next breath, “My kingdom go.” Richard Rohr

3. Pray for a revelation/ awareness

Pray that an awareness or a revelation of the eleven characteristics of those with narcissism tendencies might awaken in the person you are praying for. It’s interesting that those in the Bible that woke up from their narcissistic ways had a kind of visual awakening. There is something within narcissism that connects to the visual senses of the person.

4. Pray for stories that explode, expose, and cause one to come to repentance

I think of how the prophet Nathan came to David the king with a simple little parable (2 Samuel 12:1-15) that cut right through all the defense mechanisms that David and set up around his bound up thinking. The story exploded in his thinking, then he felt exposed, and then he came back to God with a penitent heart

5. Pray for millimetres.

We like to see the major miracles, but so often God works in the millimetres. Little by little, change happens.

6. Pray for a softening of the heart

There is a defensive wall. They have been hurt before and have built a strong defence system around them. Pray for little chinks in their armour to appear so as to allow real and true love to penetrate.

7. Pray for the peeling off of any spiritual tentacles that are entrapping the narcissist.

As I have said before, I believe that there is a spiritual entanglement entrapping the extreme narcissist. Pray for a gentle peeling off of every little lie that is holding the person captive.

8. Pray for a weakening of the thinking structures

There is a strong structure built up in the brain to maintain and grow the narcissistic blindness. Pray for a weakening, an opening to new truth.

9. Pray for wisdom to know how to do good

The Bible says that we ‘overcome evil by doing good’ Romans 12:21. Pray for God enriched ways to return good for evil. To turn the other cheek, to walk the extra mile. WARNING: I am not advocating taking ongoing abuse. There is a limit, but Jesus was wise in the pictures he used of ‘turning the other cheek etc’ to undermine injustice and to bring to public awareness acts of abuse.

10. Pray for a strengthening of yourself

Pray for yourself. Pray for wisdom to know when to pray and when not to pray. Ask for divine wisdom and help.

This is not an exhaustive list on how to pray for a narcissist, but it’s a start.

I finish with a prayer for more light.

I was listening to the Lectio Divina reading of Psalm 36:5-10 and this prayer grew out of it.

I want more light

I want more light
To shine my way
I want more light
On them that stray

In your light
We see light
In your way
We do not stray

I pray for myself
That I may never be distracted by this or that
Keep me compass true
To your fountain of life

I pray for my distracted friend
Pulled to a reflection glory
Dimly seen
Broken story

Shine your light
Break in through the cracks
Open up the hardened shell
Bring my loved one back

In your light
We see the light
Everything else
Turkish delight*

I want to know more of your light
To share a candle flame
Purged clean of all that is not of you
In you there is no shame

Overflow your fountain
May it spill from me to we
Life and light abundant
Swimming in glorious mystery

For with you is the fountain of life;
in your light we see light. Psalm 36:9

16/4/25

*Turkish delight – see previous post

Questions?

Comments?

Email me 🙂📨 barry@turningthepage.co.nz

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Quotes to consider

We pray for the big things and forget to give thanks for the ordinary, small (and yet really not small) gifts.”
― Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together:
I can no longer condemn or hate a brother for whom I pray, no matter how much trouble he causes me.”
― Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together
True prayer does not depend either on the individual or the whole body of the faithful, but solely upon the knowledge that our Heavenly Father knows our needs.”
― Dietrich Bonhoeffer, The Cost of Discipleship
One can no more pray too much than one can love too much; Victor Hugo Les Misérables
Prayer tills the soil of the soul and unearths the clods of stories that lie beneath the surface. Dan Allender
There certainly must be some who pray constantly for those who never pray at all. Victor Hugo Les Misérables
Narcissism is not self-love. It’s the opposite of that. It’s a nagging horror that you are, deep down, unloveable. A narcissist needs the love, attention and admiration of others to survive because he or she cannot produce enough healthy self-respect to be at peace. Deborah Orr
For someone as amazing as you, attention is like food, and you’re always hungry. Seth McDonough
Fasting reminds us that we are sustained by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God (Matt. 4:4). Food does not sustain us; God sustains us. Richard Foster
Supernatural goals need supernatural resources. Larry Crabb

Questions to answer

To pray for a narcissist can be likened to praying for someone with physical blindness. How do we keep persistent in prayer?
Is there a time to stop praying and simply let go of the call to pray?
What millimetre changes do you think need to happen in the life of someone who has a ‘nagging horror’ that they are, ‘deep down, unloveable’?

Formation exercise

It all begins with honesty before God. ‘Every journey [including a prayer journey] begins where you are. Larry Crabb’ Where are you honestly before God about praying for a narcissist? Angry? Frustrated? Ambivalent? Hopeful?