You’re doing ok

Youre doing ok

Life can be tough at times, but to have someone come close and tell you that you’re doing ok can bring deep reassurance and a sense of being centered.

Sometimes you need to be told that you’re doing ok.

They were in a time in their life when it felt like they were in a bubbling cauldron of change. It was bubbling away, and life threw challenge after challenge at them. It was stressful, and they felt it in their body. They felt tired and needed a place to rest.

Then questions started to rise within their thinking.

Did they make the right decision? Perhaps they weren’t meant to be doing this? Maybe they don’t have what it takes? Continue reading “You’re doing ok”

When You See Into Their Mist – Who They Are Becoming

When You See Into Their Mist Who They Are Becoming

 

There is a mask or even a mist that we can see something quite wondrous when we see behind or through, but it takes awareness to see the vision of what they are becoming.

There is a drive I take every week to a farm and garden out in the countryside. I leave home early in the morning when it is dark and often arrive at daybreak.

It’s a beautiful drive going over hills, through valleys, and besides a stream with sailboats nestled into wooded banks. But it’s particularly beautiful on those mornings when there is a little bit of mist just sitting above the paddocks and on the river. I have to stop and quietly soak in the beauty.

As the sun begins to light up the sky, the darkness starts to retreat.

It’s light, its movement, it’s a time of transition from night into day. The fog sits and clings to the trees, and I know that within a few minutes, it will be gone.

It’s a special time of day, and so many people miss it. They are asleep to the glory and beauty around them. Or perhaps they are busy with getting ready for the day.

By the time they on the same road that I have traveled, the beauty has moved on, never to be seen quite like that again.

We hurry by, don’t we? It takes a conscious decision to slow down, stop, and take it in.

Many people need to be seen behind the dark or even the daylight of their presentation. Continue reading “When You See Into Their Mist – Who They Are Becoming”

Falling to the Oldest Trick in the Book. Ministry or Manipulation

Falling to the Oldest Trick in the Book. Ministry or Manipulation

We’ve all fallen to the oldest trick in the book, but we need to know the oldest truth in the book. Knowing the difference between ministry and manipulation.

I watched them do it. They said a few words, suggested some options, smiled in a certain way, and waited. It wasn’t long before they had what they wanted. They had laid out the bait, and the person had grabbed it.

I then wondered how many times people had fallen to this subtle and sly manipulation. They were such an expert at it. Their success, their control was based on their ability to get others to do what they wanted them to do.

What’s it like to find out you’ve been manipulated?

To have someone use all sorts of little tricks and techniques to further their own cause. Continue reading “Falling to the Oldest Trick in the Book. Ministry or Manipulation”

The Evolution of Empowered Boundaries

The Evolution of Empowered Boundaries

It can be so debilitating to be told ‘you need to have boundaries,’ but as you grow the heart, a new empowered strength slowly builds within.

‘You really need to have boundaries’

How many times have you heard this said or even said it yourself?

I always feel a little cringe when I hear these words. There is just something about it that sounds legalistic, mechanical, rules bound, and policy-driven.

Nothing of the heart or any internal depth to it.

This is why I prefer ‘Lines of love of respect.’ It seems to connect better to something that is of heart value. Something that is evolving.

It also sounds condemning. Continue reading “The Evolution of Empowered Boundaries”

A Tribute to a Friend – Dr. Larry Crabb

It was a time to pivot, change, alter course. Dr. Larry Crabb met me at the junction. Larry went to be with his Papa, Jesus, and Spirit on Sunday, February 28, 2021.

There are times I believe that God brings people across our path that have a long-lasting impact on our journey.

I had just begun my pastoral ministry in 1998. I had the role of being a Community Chaplain in a large church where my focus was to provide pastoral care for those in our local area that had significant Mental Illnesses and disabilities.

I was to develop a church community where people could come and feel at home. Teaching, pastoral care, and support that was specifically focused on the needs of this community.

Prior to this, I had been a support worker helping people with serious Mental Illnesses with their daily lives.

Over and over again, I would see them try to be part of Church communities only to see them not truly connect.

Some church people would rescue them, preach at them, moralize them, and tell them to ‘try harder.’

In the end, Churches and the people in them weren’t safe.

I was then handed a book by a former student of Dr. Larry Crabb. The book was Connecting. Healing Ourselves and Our Relationships

In this book, Larry also talks about a pivot in this thinking. A subtle shift away from psychology to what he would later call Soul Care.

In recent days, I have made a shift. I am now working toward the day when communities of God’s people, ordinary Christians whose lives regularly intersect, will accomplish most of the good that we now depend on mental health professionals to provide. And they will do it by connecting with each other in ways that only the gospel makes possible.

I envision a community of people who intentionally mingle in settings where these nutrients are passed back and forth, where I pour into you the healing resources within me and you pour into me what God has put in you.

But that’s not what I’m doing. I have strong reason to suspect that Christians sitting dutifully in church congregations, for whom “going to church” means doing a variety of spiritual activities, have been given resources that if released could powerfully heal broken hearts, overcome the damage done by abusive backgrounds, encourage the depressed to courageously move forward, stimulate the lonely to reach out, revitalize discouraged teens and children with new and holy energy, and introduce hope into the lives of the countless people who feel rejected, alone, and useless.

Maybe “going to church,” more than anything else, means relating to several people in your life differently. Maybe the center of Christian community is connecting with a few.

Beneath what our culture calls psychological disorder is a soul crying out for what only community can provide. There is no “disorder” requiring “treatment.” And, contrary to hard-line moralism, there is more to our struggles than a stubborn will needing firm admonishment. Beneath all our problems, there are desperately hurting souls that must find the nourishment only community can provide—or die.

We must do something other than train professional experts to fix damaged psyches. Damaged psyches aren’t the problem.

The problem beneath our struggles is a disconnected soul. And we must do something more than exhort people to do what’s right and then hold them accountable. Groups tend to emphasize accountability when they don’t know how to relate. Better behavior through exhortation isn’t the solution, though it sometimes is part of it. Rather than fixing psyches or scolding sinners, we must provide nourishment for the disconnected soul that only a community of connected people can offer.

The crisis of care in modern culture, especially in the Western church, will not be resolved by training more therapists.

We do not need a counseling center on every corner.

It will be worsened by moralists who never reach deeply into the hearts of people in their efforts to impose their standards of behavior on others, even when those standards are biblical.

The greatest need in modern civilization is the development of communities— true communities where the heart of God is home, where the humble and wise learn to shepherd those on the path behind them, where trusting strugglers lock arms with others as together they journey on. Dr. Larry Crabb. Connecting. Healing Ourselves and Our Relationships.

I was hooked.

He had connected with the thoughts and ideas swirling around in my thinking.

From there, I read everything I could lay my hands on. He was my mentor. I traveled from here in New Zealand to Colorado Springs twice to sit under his teaching.

I don’t believe anyone else has influenced me so greatly in my spiritual formation as Larry.

The picture that captures us

Recently there has been a huge outpouring of love and memories on the Larry Crabb Appreciation club. Images shared, and stories told.

One image speaks so much.

Larry Crabb by Janet Trenda

‘A sweet memory from my time at SSD [School of Spiritual Direction]- catching Larry early in the morning handwriting, rewriting- his notes for the day. His passion and dedication are clearly shown here’. Janet Trenda

A special memory for me was when I attended the School of Spiritual Direction in 2004 at Glen Eyrie, Colorado Springs.

I had a very special one-to-one session with Larry. I went into this lovely lounge where Larry took off his shoes, put his feet up on the coffee table, and we had a chat.

Then the thunder rolled. In those Rocky mountains, the thunderclaps were incredible. I have never heard thunder like it.

I don’t remember much of what was said, but I do remember the atmosphere Larry brought to our time. Relaxed, friendly, gently inquisitive, unforced, shoes off, and love.

Quotes

Over the years, I have collected many quotes from the writings of Larry Crabb. Many of which have been sp[rinkled through the blog posts.

Here are but a few.

    • Real encouragement occurs when words are spoken from a heart of love to another’s recognized fear. Larry Crabb
    • God has solutions for people who admit they have problems. Larry Crabb
    • Our primary purpose is not to use God to solve our problems, but to move through our problems toward finding God. Larry Crabb
    • A marriage bound together by commitments to exploit the other for filling one’s own needs (and I fear that most marriages are built on such a basis) can legitimately be described as a “tic on a dog” relationship.
      Just as a hungry tic clamps on to a nourishing host in anticipation of a meal, so each partner unites with the other in the expectation of finding what his or her personal nature demands.
      The rather frustrating dilemma, of course, is that in such a marriage there are two tics and no dog!
      Larry Crabb, The Marriage Builder
    • Spiritual friends see a facet of Christ in us and bring it out as no one else can. And they delight to do so. When they see what is unique about us, it causes them great delight; and then, giving away to the powers of daring imagination, they envision what we could become. The vision excites them – with Paul, they see us where we are and feel the pains of labor till Christ is formed in us (Gal. 4:19). Larry Crabb. The Safest Place on Earth
    • Brokenness is a condition, one that is always there, inside, beneath the surface, carefully hidden for as long as we can keep a facade in place. We live in brokenness. We just don’t always see it, either in ourselves or in others. Larry Crabb
    • A central task of community is to create a place that is safe enough for the walls to be torn down, safe enough for each of us to own, and reveal our brokenness. Larry Crabb
    • Supernatural goals need supernatural resources. Dr. Larry Crabb

    Larry Crabb Appreciation Club

    As an administrator of the Appreciation Club on Facebook, I recently asked the members for their favorite quotes and sentences.

    Here are a few of them.

  • Where is your red dot?
  • “Confused people listen better.”
  • May we learn to dance with the Trinity!
  • “Put Jesus on display.”
  • Make a Margin for Uncertainty: Open Heart: Women are created to be relationally open and inviting!
  • “Hush God is in it” by his late grandfather.
  • “We have all been sinned against. We all sin. You have failed to love me as you should, and I have failed to love you. Your failure to love me is painful, sometimes profoundly disappointing. But the Lord‘s love for me is perfect. Although his love does not remove the sting of your failure, it gives me all I need to stand as a whole person, capable of loving you regardless of the threat of your further failure.” From Inside Out. 
  • Too many marriages are like two ticks and no dog. 
  • God meets you where you really are – not where you think you should be.
  •  Words that open doors transmit two messages: 1.‘I am interested in whatever you have to say.’ 2.’I will accept you regardless of what you say.’” Larry Crabb
  • The greatest lie believed today is that one can know God without being known by someone else. Larry Crabb Soul Talk
  • The compelling vision is . . . maybe, because of our conversations, we can want God more than we want any lesser blessing. Larry Crabb 
  • “Demand nothing here. Expect everything there. Surrender all rights to justice, to loving treatment from others to fulfilling ministry, to all the good things of this life, and you will be given tastes of the good things to come. That is how you taste the Lord and discover that He is good. It is those tastes that fill you with sustaining hope until you’re welcomed to the banquet.” 
  • “Embrace your Inadequacy.”
  • “Your pain is the distance between what you were created to have, Eden, and what you have now. Our hearts groan in anticipation of what lies ahead, our true home, heaven.”

Larger Story

As part of planning to continue his legacy of teaching, a few years ago, Larry’s son Kep established a new ministry called Larger Story.

Larger Story will serve as the legacy of the thinking and writing and training and counseling I’ve been doing now for 50 years. Larry Crabb

At Larger Story, they have amassed the many books, countless sermons and talks, and numerous videos Larry has done.

Find out more about Larger Story here. 

Hot coffee and Elvis

A few final thoughts.

Larry liked his coffee hot!

He also enjoyed Elvis and slow dancing with his students while singing ‘Are you lonesome tonight.’

The final sentence in his last book ‘Waiting for Heaven‘ was this.

Over time, anticipate becoming aware of actually meeting Jesus, face to face, and allow the “sheer delight” to move you toward WAITING FOR HEAVEN.

Thank you, Larry. Enjoy the sheer delight of being with Jesus face to face.

Barry Pearman

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The Healing Nest of Kindness and Compassion

The Healing Nest of Kindness and Compassion

I need a nest that I can call home. Actually, digging down a little further, I need a grouping of relationships that know me, love me, and have compassion and kindness when I get things wrong.

The other day I was pruning a vine and there high above my head was a nest. It had long been vacated. I’m not sure what type of bird built this elaborate structure to raise its young, but as I looked closer, there was an intricate architecture to the design.

Twigs, grasses, moss, lichen all gathered and foraged from around the garden and woven into a home.

Here are some pictures of the nest.
Continue reading “The Healing Nest of Kindness and Compassion”

I See You Need a Witness

I See You Need a Witness

We all have a story to tell but who is giving witness to it. A witness can help us change our plot, the next event in the storyline. 

I could see them.

I was looking at my Google Analytics for Turning the Page. It’s a kind of measuring tool full of statistics of how many people come to the website and what they are looking at.

This was in real-time. As I was looking at the dashboard they were looking at the website.

I didn’t know who they were or anything about them. Nothing other than that they had come to a particular page. The page was I’ve had Enough, Take my Life God, I Want to die Continue reading “I See You Need a Witness”

Building a New Confidence from the Ash

Building a New Confidence from Ash

There was no self confidence. It was gone like vapour from ash. But something reignited when we looked at the pebbles and not the mountain.

It was like I was looking at an empty shell. They were there in the room with me but there was very little confidence within them to do anything at all.

It had gone. Any self-belief they had seemed to have been sucked right out of them.

How did this happen? Well, they had been hammered on. Continue reading “Building a New Confidence from the Ash”

Are you helping too much?

Are you helping too much

You might be helping them too much and hinder any progress for them and yourself, but we can learn new ways of helping and see the change we want for them and ourselves.

She was helping too much, and the person she was helping didn’t mind one little bit. In fact, he was very adept at throwing guilt trips and manipulations to keep her supporting his lifestyle.

It wasn’t that she was doing anything wrong. Many people thought she was so wonderful how she took care of him and others. She was so generous and kind. What a lovely Christian woman, they said.

But underneath that mission of martyrdom, there was a dying soul. Life was being sucked out of her, and resentment was taking a foothold. For all the help, she was giving out, and nothing was coming back. Continue reading “Are you helping too much?”

Stray Dog Church

Stray Dog Church

We meet in my garage on Tuesday night. That’s so if you wanted to go to a normal Church, you could. Some of my friends still go to the big church on the corner, but most of them call 32 Calvary St their home base.

Let me introduce you to some of them.

John – he plays a mean guitar. He said he had learned some licks from his Uncle. He didn’t know many Jesus songs, but we love him belting out the stairway to heaven.

Mary – Her scones are her specialty. We have them each week with some diet coke, and we call it the last supper. Mary sometimes hears voices, and we help her by telling her the truth and reassuring her. Continue reading “Stray Dog Church”