We all have problems, but we can over-personalise them. But the problem is the problem. Not the person.
There is something sneaky about problems in that, over time, starting from being a little child, problems can morph and sneak into your thinking so much so that you see yourself as a problem.
Worse still is when others land on you. Words such as
- ‘You’re a problem’
- ‘You’re so full of problems’
- ‘They are a problem-child’
Scapegoating by others adds to absorption of this belief.
It’s not healthy
It’s not good
It’s a dark hole dwelling and entombment.
It’s a death cloak of overwhelming depression and anxiety.
And it’s not true.
Despite all of one’s self loathing and self condemnation, there is a difference.
Yes, I know for some reading this that is hard to believe.
But you are not a struggle. You are a person who will have troubles. They sit alongside us, like someone sitting next to us on a park bench.
They are there, but they are not us.
The problem is the problem
The issue is the
- addiction
- the habit
- the sleep patterns
- the budget
- the lack of communication skills
- the medical condition
- the lack of food
- lack of a place to sleep tonight
When we separate out and identify the issue, with all its fragmented issues underneath, then we can utilise something like a problem solving sheet and start a S.T.A.N. plan.
We gain confidence from every millimetre step forward. Then, with empowered confidence, we step into another issue and then another.
All of this is done, hopefully, within the context of your nurture nest. That place where you have a community of safe empowering others who can help separate the problem from the person and help move into solutions, not quicksand.
The person is not the problem
One of the earliest books I read about Mental Health and Faith was called ‘
Great book
Great title
I had begun to work in a ‘half-way’ house with fresh out of the psychiatric hospital mentally unwell people.
I loved them.
Many in society, including the Church, saw these people as complications. Many still do.
Instead, these people are not problems, but people who (like all of us) carry problems. Many of the struggles can be resolved and a new life can be found.
When we separate out the problem from the personage, then we can offer hope for a different future.
Want help with solving problems?
Check out these free videos, pages and downloads to help you.
Questions?
Comments?
Email me 🙂📨
barry@turningthepage.co.nz
Quotes to consider
- Personalization is a cognitive distortion where individuals attribute the entire blame for an event or situation on themselves or others, even when there is little to no justification for doing so. It is a misplaced sense of responsibility that does not account for external factors or circumstances beyond one’s control. This blame could be directed towards oneself or unfairly projected onto another person. Dr. Andrea Zorbas
- Like faded paintings on the wall that one never sees, because they’ve always been there, so are the assumptions that govern our lives. D. Riddell
- Assumptions are what make the world go round, but they can also create hell-on-earth, until they are exposed and carefully examined. D. Riddell
- To be an individual is to attempt to find your identity and meaning in yourself in isolation. To be a person is to live in a way that recognizes that your unique identity and meaning will always be found in relationships. Personhood is dynamic and relational, never static or individual. It is inter-being, not independence. David Benner
- The best ally of God is what is. Not what should be, what could be, what needs be, but what is. “Isness” will lead us to perfect love. Richard Rohr -Job and the Mystery of Suffering
- Reality is unforgivably complex. Anne Lamott
- Reality itself–my limited and sometimes misinterpreted experience–is the revelatory place for God. But for some reason, we prefer fabricated realities to the strong and sensitizing face of what is. The spiritual life begins with accepting and living our reality. Richard Rohr
- Honesty forces me to conclude that the spiritual path can lead to an escape from a robust commitment to reality. David Benner
Questions to answer
- How much do you over-personalise issues? Why?
- What helps you to see the problem simply for what it is, a problem?
- Helping someone sift through the problems they have takes time. Why do we pull back from listening deep?
Formation exercise
- What problems have shaped your identity? Journal about them and how to separate yourself from a false identity that has been allowed to be formed.
Further reading
Barry Pearman
Photo by Mohammad Alizade on Unsplash
