They wanted me to try harder. But when you’re in a dark hole of depression, or you don’t have the skills, energy, or even understanding, it can feel like yet another stone of struggle to carry.
Confusion reigns, and the self-loathing chatter begins.
It cycles around and around in the head.
‘I need to do more’
‘I need to try harder’
‘I don’t measure up’
The whip lashes of unrealistic expectations land upon an already tired back.
Have you experienced this?
Perhaps people from your church or your friends send you messages to try harder in your commitment to God.
- Read more of the Bible.
- Pray more.
- Sing more.
It all feels like baptised behaviourism.
‘If I just do a little bit more, then God will bless my efforts, and my life will become like what others want it to be like’
Are there people in your life who want you to try harder?
Do they lay burdens and expectations on you that you just can not do?
Perhaps they guilt-trip you. Throw stones of shame at you.
Perhaps you do that to yourself.
To Try harder
I’ve had quite a few people email lately about being told that they ‘don’t measure up’ and they ‘need to try harder’.
Here are some samples from recent days and in the past
- ‘I feel pressure from my counsellor to memorise these scriptures, but my brain is so foggy I just can not do it.’
- ‘My church leaders are telling me I have to give 10% of my income to them, but I struggle to even feed my kids.’
- ‘My friends tell me I need to pray more and then I will not have depression.’
- ‘My church elders tell me I have to repent and return to my abusive husband.’
One person shared the threats that had been made to them of excommunication from a church if they didn’t comply with what the elders of the church said. They might even be ‘banned from heaven’.
I told them to ‘Run Forest, Run.’
To get out of that toxic church culture.
The pressure is on
I get both angry and sad when I hear stories such as these.
The pressure is on. ‘Perform to our expectations, or you’re not one of us’.
It’s like saying to the dehumanised man in the story of the Good Samaritan to ‘try harder and fix yourself’.
That ‘you got yourself into this mess, now get yourself out of it’.
‘You didn’t follow the rules, so you’re reaping the consequences. ‘
I like these quotes.
There is more to our struggles than a stubborn will needing firm admonishment. Larry Crabb
Groups tend to emphasize accountability when they don’t know how to relate. Larry Crabb
I want to relate. I’ve had enough ‘firm admonishment’.
I firmly believe that we actually need to take the pressure off.
Jesus Yoke and Burden
Jesus once said these comforting words
‘Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.’ Matthew 11:28-30
Or as Eugene Peterson has paraphrased it.
“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me.
Get away with me and you’ll recover your life.
I’ll show you how to take a real rest.
Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it.
Learn the unforced rhythms of grace.
I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you.
Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” Matthew 11:28-30
Sadly, I find many people yoked and burdened with heaviness.
This heaviness is amplified through messages of try harder.
When failure comes, then they are told they don’t have enough faith or that it’s because of sin in their life.
The yoke gets tighter, and the burden gets heavier.
Try softer
I love the story of the dehumanised man, a.k.a. The Good Samaritan.
“There was once a man traveling from Jerusalem to Jericho. On the way he was attacked by robbers.
They took his clothes, beat him up, and went off leaving him half-dead.
Luckily, a priest was on his way down the same road, but when he saw him he angled across to the other side. Then a Levite religious man showed up; he also avoided the injured man.
“A Samaritan traveling the road came on him. When he saw the man’s condition, his heart went out to him.
He gave him first aid, disinfecting and bandaging his wounds.
Then he lifted him onto his donkey, led him to an inn, and made him comfortable.
In the morning he took out two silver coins and gave them to the innkeeper, saying, ‘Take good care of him. If it costs any more, put it on my bill—I’ll pay you on my way back.’ Luke 10:30-35
Jesus shows the way of love is to get into the ditch where the traumatised unconscious man is and to help the man do what the man could not do for himself.
There is a soft, vulnerable heart within the Samaritan in his attitude to the man’s needs.
Is the counsellor, friend, church leader willing to get into your ditch and deeply understand what’s going on? If there not then perhaps you need to ‘Run Forest, Run.’
Know me before you judge me.
Seek first to understand before being understood.
Together we leave the dark
I don’t need your words
I don’t need your scorn
I don’t need your lectures
Falling on a heart that’s torn
I don’t need your whip lashing tongue
I don’t need your scriptural advice
I don’t need your harsh, judgmental eyes
Energy crushing my very life
What I do need is a friend
Someone who will listen to my heart
Someone who will help me pull the broken pieces together
Create a new piece of art
I sit and wait in a half-dead pose
Incapable of movement forward
Come and sit with me a while
Mingle my dust with yours
Help me take a millimetre step
No pressure to perform
I might stumble in my movements
Fragile human form
I will listen to your dust
I will help you form it into art
Take those fragile movements forward
Together we leave the dark
Quotes to consider
- Beneath what our culture calls psychological disorder is a soul crying out for what only community can provide. There is no “disorder” requiring “treatment.” And, contrary to hard-line moralism, there is more to our struggles than a stubborn will needing firm admonishment. Beneath all our problems, there are desperately hurting souls that must find the nourishment only community can provide—or die. Larry Crabb – Connecting
- God’s method is neither to merely issue commands from the general’s tent (do what’s right) nor to improve the functioning of diseased organs (fix what’s wrong). Instead he becomes so intimately a part of us that we want to resist whatever he doesn’t like and release the good things he has aroused within us. Larry Crabb. Connecting.
- God no longer stands in front of us, drill-sergeant style, barking orders. He is now inside us, whispering with attractive authority that it’s time to hit the deck and do fifty push-ups. And now we want to do it, not because the activity itself is fun, but because it fits our nature (we’re soldiers) and we enjoy pleasing our commander (we love him). Larry Crabb. Connecting
- Groups tend to emphasize accountability when they don’t know how to relate. Better behavior through exhortation isn’t the solution, though it sometimes is part of it. Larry Crabb Connecting
- When you speak to me about your deepest questions, you do not want to be fixed or saved: you want to be seen and heard, to have your truth acknowledged and honored. Parker J. Palmer.
- Having the knowledge of perfection within us can rob us of ever feeling satisfied. When perfection is always the benchmark, dissatisfaction will be a constant companion. David Riddell
- When you are trying to please God, remember that Jesus has already done so on your behalf. There are no brownie points left for you to earn. David Riddell
- You need a real friend in an unreal world. Guy Wishart Reeboks
Thinking compass
I don’t accept fear and intimidation anymore
How to Develop a Compass for the Brain
Questions to answer
- Why do people want to fix, advise, save, or set straight?
- To listen deeply requires a vulnerability to change in yourself. In good conversations, there is the risk of conversion. Can you think of a time in your life when you had to let go of preconceived judgments so as to listen to the heart of another?
- There are times when we may need to try harder. A need to master a new skill, etc but what happens in one’s soul when this ‘try harder’ message is the message that dominates your life?
Formation exercise
- Consider the pressure to perform in your life. What messages from parents, family, friends, church, etc have conditioned you to think you don’t measure up? What would a custom-made light yoke and a small burden look like for you? Can you let the yoke and burden of others’ expectations go?
Further reading
Rules + Regulations – Relationships = Rebellion + Resentment
Barry Pearman
Photo by Alina Degli on Unsplash
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