The Problem is The Problem – Not the Person

We all have problems, but we can over-personalise them. But the problem is the problem. Not the person.

There is something sneaky about problems in that, over time, starting from being a little child, problems can morph and sneak into your thinking so much so that you see yourself as a problem.

Worse still is when others land on you. Words such as

• ‘You’re a problem’
• ‘You’re so full of problems’
• ‘They are a problem-child’

Scapegoating by others adds to absorption of this belief.

It’s not healthy
It’s not good
It’s a dark hole dwelling and entombment.
It’s a death cloak of overwhelming depression and anxiety.

And it’s not true.

Despite all of one’s self loathing and self condemnation, there is a difference.

Yes, I know for some reading this that is hard to believe.

But you are not a struggle. You are a person who will have troubles. They sit alongside us, like someone sitting next to us on a park bench.

They are there, but they are not us.

The problem is the problem

The issue is the

• addiction
• the habit
• the sleep patterns
• the budget
• the lack of communication skills
• the medical condition
• the lack of food
• lack of a place to sleep tonight

When we separate out and identify the issue, with all its fragmented issues underneath, then we can utilise something like a problem solving sheet and start a S.T.A.N. plan.

We gain confidence from every millimetre step forward. Then, with empowered confidence, we step into another issue and then another.

All of this is done, hopefully, within the context of your nurture nest. That place where you have a community of safe empowering others who can help separate the problem from the person and help move into solutions, not quicksand.

The person is not the problem

One of the earliest books I read about Mental Health and Faith was called ‘Why Do Christians Shoot Their Wounded?: Helping (Not Hurting) Those with Emotional Difficulties’ by Dwight L. Carlson.

Great book
Great title

I had begun to work in a ‘half-way’ house with fresh out of the psychiatric hospital mentally unwell people.

I loved them.

Many in society, including the Church, saw these people as complications. Many still do. See also 3 Ingredients of a Safe Church for your Mental Health.

Instead, these people are not problems, but people who (like all of us) carry problems. Many of the struggles can be resolved and a new life can be found.

When we separate out the problem from the personage, then we can offer hope for a different future. Read more in You’re Not a Problem. It’s Not Who You Are.

Quotes to consider

Questions to answer

1. How much do you over-personalise issues? Why?
2. What helps you to see the problem simply for what it is, a problem?
3. Helping someone sift through the problems they have takes time. Why do we pull back from listening deep?

Formation exercise

What problems have shaped your identity? Journal about them and how to separate yourself from a false identity that has been allowed to be formed.

Further reading

• You’re Not a Problem. It’s Not Who You Are — Stop identifying as “the problem.” Learn how to separate your divine identity from your struggles and break the cycle of verbal abuse and low self-worth.
• You’re not a Problem to be Fixed — You are not a diagnosis, a file, or a problem to be fixed. Discover your true worth as a human being made for love and deep connection.
• How to Stop Being the Scapegoat. Six Keys — Stop being the dumping ground for others’ rubbish. Discover 6 transformative steps to reclaim your worth and silence the scapegoat’s voice.
• Little by Little: How Small Steps Can Topple Your Biggest Giants — Stop feeling overwhelmed by life’s “giants.” Learn how small, intentional actions and a simple problem-solving sheet can reduce anxiety.
• 3 Ingredients of a Safe Church for your Mental Health — Is Church helping your Mental Health? Fall in love with compassion, creativity, and connection. 3 ingredients of a safe church.
• Yes. A Christian can have a Mental Illness — Having a Mental Illness can mean you feel very alone, but does being a Christian mean that you’re somehow on the outside?

Written by Barry Pearman — Community Chaplain, Mental Health Support Worker, and founder of Turning the Page, a resource walking a grace-filled path to mental wholeness through faith, hope, and love.

Photo by Mohammad Alizade on Unsplash