16 Tips When There Is Socially Unacceptable Behavior

Sometimes you have to have the hard talk with someone about unacceptable behavior in a meeting. It may be a church service, a bible study, even just having a one to one talk with someone and you are interrupted.

They might have been talking out loud to a friend while everyone else was quiet and listening. It might be talking about inappropriate topics that could hurt or trigger other people into painful memories.

You want to create a safe social space for all involved, but someone keeps on throwing in a hand grenade.

One of the hardest things I have had to do is to confront bad behavior. No one wants to do this. However, it can also be one of the most empowering and educating things you can do for them and others.

Bringing people into reality about behaviors, creating a plan with them, and helping them form new habits can revolutionize their lives. It can also send messages to others in the group that a culture of love and respect is valued.

16 tips for when there is Socially Unacceptable Behavior

1. Shift your mindset from Boundaries to Lines of Love and Respect.
   I have a problem with the word ‘Boundary.’ It conveys no sense of purpose other than defense or protection. As a kid on the farm, we had ‘Boundary fences.’ Often built with barbed wire, it was there to prevent and preclude intrusion.I prefer now to use the concept of a Line of Love and Respect. When you cross over this line, you are not showing love and respect for the other.
   Lines of Love and Respect challenge my thinking to learn about what is loving and respectful to others may look like. I am brought to thinking about relational values, rather than relational rules. 

2. Show Grace. A useful definition of Grace is undeserved kindness. Think theologically. That while we sin and our behaviors show a lack of love and respect to God, they (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit) still show unmerited grace and mercy towards us. Can we be like this to others? 

3. Determine very clearly what is appropriate behavior and what is not. This may take having discussions with everyone involved in your group about what is appropriate. What does good look like for the group, for you, and the person concerned? You may want to write it down.  In a Renovaré Spiritual Formation Group, there is a meeting sheet, and everyone reads the expectations of conduct together out loud.

4. Point out graciously the behavior that happened. Be specific, not general. They need to know precisely what they did and how it was disruptive. 

5. Write expectations down. People forget, and may also choose not to remember certain details of the discussion. Avoidance using the excuse of ignorance is a little game we all try on at times. So having written notes can help everyone take personal responsibility for what needs to happen. Having written records can be useful in reviewing progress and as prompts for celebration. If possible, get the other person to write down their dated notes. This helps the memory to take it all in and encourages a sense of personal ownership of the issue. 

6. Express feelings. ‘When you did this, it caused me and others to feel …’ They need to know how it made you feel. They may not even be aware of what their actions did. 

7. Negotiate practical pre-prepared strategies for the next time this could happen. It might be someone to sit with them and coach them through the event. Write this down.

8. Determine what will be a carrot and what will be a stick.  The “carrot or stick approach” refers to offering a combination of reward and punishment. A cart driver dangles a carrot in front of a mule and holds a stick behind it. The mule moves towards the carrot because it wants the reward of food, while also moving away from the stick behind it, since it does not wish to the punishment of pain, thus drawing the cart. Negotiate with them what would be the reward of a change in behavior, particularly in the relationships they have. The stick will also be a negotiated natural consequence. It may well be a period where they are unable to be part of the group.

9. Provide regular feedback on what they did well. Accentuate the positive. For every harmful behavior, try and find ten positives.

10. Always keep coming back to them, taking responsibility for themselves. We all, at times, want to play the blame game and shift responsibility away from ourselves and blame others or circumstances. They need to own the choices they make and the consequences, both good and bad.

11. Don’t indulge the P.L.O.M in their mouths. The ‘Poor Little Old Me’ that wants sympathy. Bring it back to the here and now and what they can do to see a different outcome. See this post for more on P.L.O.M.

12. Have review dates. Not a long way in the future, but maybe after the next meeting. This provides all parties involved time and a place to reassess and celebrate the successes.

13. Don’t tell them or others that they were naughty. I cringe when I hear those words. At times people behave in specific ways because that is all they know. They haven’t learned otherwise, and due to their illness, they do not pick up on social cues. Saying they are naughty is just an easy and sloppy way of avoiding getting to know what is going on.

14. B.G.E.S.C.

• B- Brief. Make your reply short. Don’t go on and on. Keep it short
• G – Gentle. Speak in a tone appropriate to the situation. We don’t need to yell, and we don’t need to be meek and whisper. Look at them and speak gently.
• E- Early. Give your reply as soon as possible. Don’t leave it till later unless you need to prepare your response. You don’t want this anger to go on and on. Paul writes ” Don’t go to bed angry” Ephesians 4:26
• S- Specific. Make sure your reply is specific to the issue. Don’t go on to past hurts and problems. Deal only with the current issue.

• C- Consequences. A good reply points out the consequences of what has happened and will happen. It is important to state how you feel about what happened. “By you doing this, you made feel very sad, etc.”. You may also need to point out what will happen if they do that again. ” I have decided that if you behave like that again, then I will….”

  A good rebuke is quiet, brief, specific, and warns of the consequences of further faulty choices. A bad rebuke is loud, repeated, generally condemning, and relies on emotional pressure to effect change. David Riddell

15. Remember that it is Millimetre Ministry. It won’t happen overnight, but it will happen. Change generally doesn’t happen quickly. It takes time. Millimetre Ministry is a little-term I talked about with those supporting people with Mental Illness. Little steps are realistic to the change process. Having expectations that are owned and that are achievable to the other makes progress possible. Do you do that for yourself?
16. Assess your raw response to what they have done. Were you angry, compassionate, frustrated, curious, judgemental, hopeful? Before you go and help someone with their behaviors, assess your own as you might project your pain on to them, and escalate the situation.