Building a Wall: Setting Boundaries in Relationships

They had got so used to the intrusiveness of others that they didn’t even care anymore, but slowly a line in the sand appeared, then a fence and then they built a wall.

I enjoy being kind.

I am generous, probably to my own detriment, but sometimes I feel I am ripped off by some people.

They take, but don’t give back.

I know it is ‘more blessed to give than to receive’ (Acts 20:35), but a little giving back helps.

I think of an organisation that I have supported financially for many years, but not once have I received an email, note, or even an update to how my gift is being used.

I stopped the Automatic Payment the other day.

I felt they have intruded into my bank account enough and now it was time to end the relationship.

I often think of the story of Jesus healing ten lepers, and only one giving him thanks. Luke 17:11-19

I think a gift, especially the healing of such a stigmatising illness as Leprosy, is worthy of the return gift of thankfulness.

I’m drawing a line.
I’m raising a fence.
I’m building a wall.

My worth and value have a finiteness to it.

I have only limited money, time, and resources, so I am going to give them to those who truly appreciate their value.

Maybe that’s why Jesus, fully divine yet fully human, gave his deepest in-to-me-see only to a very few. James, Peter, John, Mary and Martha.

Jesus had boundary lines.

Do you have lines?

Do you have fences, walls, boundaries to some but not so much for others?

What makes the difference?

He helped them build a wall

It was a Bible story that jumped out at me.

I now saw the story of Nehemiah as about recovery. A rebuilding of one’s life.

The story of Nehemiah tells how he helped the people of Jerusalem rebuild the walls of their city.

The walls that had been destroyed by the Babylonians in 586 B.C. The people had been taken away into exile. Now they were returning and reestablishing themselves as a people.

But they needed a wall.

A boundary of protection that defined them as a people.

Nehemiah steps up to lead them in an ‘And next to them’ movement of reconstruction.

Joiada son of Paseah and Meshullam son of Besodeiah repaired the Old Gate; they laid its beams and set up its doors, its bolts, and its bars.
Next to them repairs were made by Melatiah the Gibeonite and Jadon the Meronothite—the men of Gibeon and of Mizpah—who were under the jurisdiction of the governor of the province Beyond the River.
Next to them Uzziel son of Harhaiah, one of the goldsmiths, made repairs.
Next to him Hananiah, one of the perfumers, made repairs; and they restored Jerusalem as far as the Broad Wall.
Next to them Rephaiah son of Hur, ruler of half the district of Jerusalem, made repairs.
Next to them Jedaiah son of Harumaph made repairs opposite his house;
and next to him Hattush son of Hashabneiah made repairs.
Malchijah son of Harim and Hasshub son of Pahath-moab repaired another section and the Tower of the Ovens.
Next to him Shallum son of Hallohesh, ruler of half the district of^[e] Jerusalem, made repairs, he and his daughters.Nehemiah 3:6-10

It’s a community effort.

Building boundaries, good solid ones, comes through the support of others.

‘Hand me another stone’.
‘Help me carry this one’.
‘This one doesn’t fit quite right, what do you think?’.

Building boundaries takes time and effort.

This story of wall building is full of wisdom for the boundary builders of today.

So much so, that I wrote a book – Broken to Built: A Devotional Journey with Nehemiah

Broken to Built: 31 Days of Rebuilding with Nehemiah Recovery devotional

Can you build a new wall?

Some walls have to be deconstructed before they can be rebuilt into something better.

I think of the people I have talked with who have had very defensive walls to anyone, even safe kind people, looking into their ‘In-to-me-see’.

Over time, the walls they have constructed and had to maintain with a lot of unnatural energy, have become more like a prison cell than an invitation to enjoy.

As they, and I, look at the wall, we see the wall doesn’t need to be so high. That it doesn’t need to be lined with so much razor wire. The guard dogs can be muzzled.

That there are safe people and there is kindness out there.

But these walls take careful, gentle time to deconstruct and reconstruct.

The wall creates a door.

A door is opened to a chosen few.

Jesus knocks, enters, and enjoys the hospitality.

Building a Wall

Building a Wall

I’m restoring the line
Rebuilding the wall
Recovering the stones
Burnt, bruised, forlorn

They crushed the wall
Destroyed what was there
It may have been small
Now a time to mend

I’m marking a line
This is me this is you
I’m rebuilding from inside
Discovering what is true

I rebuild with friends
They hand me some stones
One day at a time
In this task I am not alone

I have an inner beauty
Trampled by dirty feet
But each day I feel I am being washed
God’s water Oh so sweet

I have a purpose
I have a dream
Inner strength is growing
Newness coming into me

I build a boundary
I create a wall
Something to be protected
Something to be restored

Some can come inside
Some most definitely not
I pick and choose those who enter
Bullies will no longer squat

In-to-me-see
Is not for all
For some
I will definitely close the door

I scratch a line
I will find some stones
I build a barrier
Make in me a home

Questions?
Comments?
Email me 🙂📨
barry@turningthepage.co.nz

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Quotes to consider

The main work of life is to come out of our selves, out of the little, dark prison we are all born in. The danger is that of coming to love the prison. C.S. Lewis
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. Dr. Seuss
When grace enters a room we should begin to dance but, sadly, more often than not we let some little thing, some minor mosquito bite, blind us to grace’s presence. Ronald Rolheiser
We must remember throughout our lives that in God’s sight there are no little people and no little places. Only one thing is important: to be consecrated [dedicated] persons in God’s place for us, at each moment. Francis Schaeffer
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when? Hillel

Questions to answer

What walls do you need to build?
Who can be a ‘And next to them’ person for you?
What walls/ fences/ boundaries have you built that may have actually turned into a kind of prison cell? How much energy does it take to maintain the wall?

Formation exercise

Some of the walls we have built around ourselves have no doors, no windows, and therefore no light is able to enter. Describe a person living in that place of self-made solitary confinement.