Narcissism: A God-shaped hole

There is a God-shaped hole in me. A narcissism entrancement holds me, but I can break the spell when I invite Jesus into the void.

There once was an Australian sitcom that I used to watch. It was called Kath and Kim.

The two central characters were Kath, the mother, and her daughter Kim. In the series, there was a line repeatedly said from mother to daughter.

Look at me
Look at me
Look at moi (‘me’, but in a deepening lengthy tone)

Kath would say these words to get her daughter’s attention.

Whenever I think about narcissism, I think about that phrase. ‘Look at me’

It’s a demand to be noticed, to be seen, to be validated.

There is something within all of us that wants to be noticed. We long to be known, explored, discovered, and touched.

If we’re not seen, then the darkness of loneliness can open up like a huge gaping cave that might swallow us whole.

Fear drives our demand for others to ‘look at me’

A child who has never felt unconditional love often grows looking for it in all the wrong places.

The word ‘Narcissism’ has come into public awareness probably only in the last 30 years. I don’t think I ever heard the word until the early 2000’s, but it has gained a place in our society. Perhaps an awareness has grown with the rise of Social Media.

But this need for adulation and love has been in us seemingly forever.

What is narcissism?

The term narcissism is derived from Narcissus, a character in Greek mythology best known from the telling in Roman poet Ovid‘s Metamorphoses.

Terrence Real tells the fable in summary.

“Narcissus was loved by many,” the poet Ovid introduces his tale.

“Both youths and young girls wanted him; but he had much cold pride within his tender body: no youth, no girl could ever touch his heart.”

Narcissus is a radiant, energetic young man who excites the passions of the nymphs, all of whom he rejects.

One of his spurned admirers, in vengeance, prays that Narcissus might himself someday know the torment of unrequited love.

The nymph’s wish is fulfilled when Narcissus, hot and thirsty from hunting, stumbles upon a clear pool in the woods.

He leans forward to drink and instantly becomes enchanted with the beautiful face staring back at him.

Narcissus brings his lips near to take a kiss and plunges his arms in for an embrace.

But the image he longs for flies from his touch, only to return again each time he withdraws.

When Narcissus cries in frustration, his falling tears disrupt the figure in the water, and he beseeches the spirit not to abandon him.

‘Stay, I entreat you!’ he cries.

‘Let me at least gaze upon you if I may not touch you.’

With this,” the tale concludes, “and much more of the same kind, he cherished the flame that consumed him.”

Narcissus loses all thought of food or sleep.

Transfixed, he pines, withers away, and dies. Terrance Real I Don’t Want to Talk about It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression

Narcissus (1597–99) by Caravaggio; the man in love with his own reflection

There’s a hunger, a need for love, and in the reflection, it is found.

‘At last I have found someone just like me so I will enjoy their adulation’

Narcissus becomes paralysed in his fascinated attention.

The curse of Narcissus is immobilization, not out of love for himself, but out of dependency upon his image. Terrance Real

Narcissism is about a deficiency of self love.

It’s being in love with an image. An imperfect image. An image that is fragile to the touch of reality. The image requires maintenance and careful management. Protecting and feeding the image becomes the obsession.

True self love is a friendship with fault and flaw, beauty and strength.

Christianity is about a cross where we lay down our broken self image and find a new glorious one.

God-shaped hole

It’s an emptiness.

Something is missing where something once existed. It’s that hole in your heart when you’ve lost someone you’ve loved.

It’s a hole and it must be filled.

It’s a jigsaw puzzle with the six pieces missing. Incomplete and unworthy to be called done. Yet it stares at you everyday wanting completion.

I have a God- shaped hole in me.

There is a quote that is reportedly from Blaise Pascal

There is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of every person, and it can never be filled by any created thing.
It can only be filled by God, made known through Jesus Christ

More accurately, the quote is this:

There was once in man a true happiness of which there now remain to him only the mark and empty trace, which he in vain tries to fill from all his surroundings, seeking from things absent the help he does not obtain in things present?

But these are all inadequate, because the infinite abyss can only be filled by an infinite and immutable object, that is to say, only by God Himself.

He only is our true good, and since we have forsaken Him, it is a strange thing that there is nothing in nature which has not been serviceable in taking His place; the stars, the heavens, earth, the elements, plants, cabbages, leeks, animals, insects, calves, serpents, fever, pestilence, war, famine, vices, adultery, incest. Blaise Pascal’s Pensees Pg 114

Into this God-shaped hole

Into this vacant hole we can so easily pour activity and achievements. It fills it briefly, then we must have more.

What if we were to ask God to fill the God-shaped hole?

My mind goes to two men walking away from Jerusalem after Christ’s crucifixion and then resurrection.

Think of the hole and void, a kind of vacuum, that those early disciples of Jesus must have felt after Jesus had gone.

That same day, two of Jesus’ followers were walking to the village of Emmaus, seven miles from Jerusalem.

As they walked along they were talking about everything that had happened.

As they talked and discussed these things, Jesus himself suddenly came and began walking with them.

But God kept them from recognizing him

He asked them, “What are you discussing so intently as you walk along?”

They stopped short, sadness written across their faces. Luke 24:13-17

Later on, after a meal with Jesus, it’s recorded them saying this.

They said to each other, “Didn’t our hearts burn within us as he talked with us on the road and explained the Scriptures to us?” Luke 24:32

I think the God-shaped hole was filled by Christ. The vacuous empty space was made whole.

I long for conversations with a few others where we expose our vacuum need and together Christ seems to quietly slip into the conversation. I think that’s what church was always meant to be like.

I Look into the Pool

I Look into the Pool

I look into the pool
Hoping for a sip
I notice a beautiful child reflection
Alluring smile flirts back at me

They are so perfect
Angelic beauty draws me in
Hypnotic enchantment
Beauty and strength there is no sin

I am a perfect one
I can see it in myself
No flaws or failings
Look at me, take me in

I don’t care about you
You are lower than my style
I fill my cup with my own glory
Please give me approving smile

Someone throws a rock
Ripples smash my view
I have to focus and wait even more
Till I come back into view

When I’ve had enough of you
I will move on to another
My cup of worth is never full
Hole in heart is full of clutter

‘Stop it’ the Christ child says
Look at me instead
I am the only perfect one
Pierced hands thorn scratched head

You’ve come under a satanic whisper
A weaving of a curse
Come to me and lay it down
I alone can quench your thirst

Questions?
Comments?
Email me 🙂📨
barry@turningthepage.co.nz

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Quotes to consider

When I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose. Brené Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead
Narcissism is not self-love. It’s the opposite of that. It’s a nagging horror that you are, deep down, unloveable. A narcissist needs the love, attention and admiration of others to survive because he or she cannot produce enough healthy self-respect to be at peace. Deborah Orr, Motherwell: A Girlhood
For someone as amazing as you, attention is like food, and you’re always hungry. Seth McDonough
If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world. C.S. Lewis
The young man who rings the bell at the brothel is unconsciously looking for God. Bruce Marshall The World, the Flesh and Father Smith
When relieving pain becomes our priority, we have left the path of pursuing God. The experience of pain has the power to either harden us in our self-protective style or drive us to deeper trust in God. Larry Crabb Inside Out
An aching soul is evidence not of neurosis or spiritual immaturity but of realism. The experience of groaning, however, is precisely what modern Christianity so often tries to help us escape. The gospel of health and wealth appeals to our legitimate longing for relief by skipping over the call to endure suffering. Faith becomes the means not to learning contentment regardless of circumstances but rather to rearranging one’s circumstances to provide more comfort. Larry Crabb Inside Out
Love is never blind to others’ faults.

It sees them clearly but is not threatened.

It admits disappointment but forgives and continues to be warmly involved.

Is there a tender concern for the welfare of one who treats you wrongly?

That is the measure of love.

Larry Crabb Inside Out

Questions to answer

There has been a rise in the use of the word ‘Narcissism’ over the last thirty years. Why do think that has happened?
It’s very easy to point the finger at the narcissism log in others’ eyes (Matthew 7:3-5). I believe that we all have a narcistic speck in our eyes. Where have you seen this in your life? How do you counter its entrancement?
In the poem I wrote, what verses grabbed your attention the most? Why those?

Formation exercise

Think of biblical characters. Which ones characterised various aspects of narcissism? There was one in particular in the life of Jesus that showed the fullness of narcissism – Satan. How did Jesus address Satans narcissistic ploys?