Sometimes you have to have the hard talk with someone about unacceptable behavior in a meeting. It may be a church service, a bible study, even just having a one to one talk with someone and you are interrupted.
They might have been talking out loud to a friend while everyone else was quiet and listening. It might be talking about inappropriate topics that could hurt or trigger other people into painful memories.
You want to create a safe social space for all involved, but someone keeps on throwing in a hand grenade.
One of the hardest things I have had to do is to confront bad behavior. No one wants to do this. However, it can also be one of the most empowering and educating things you can do for them and others.
Bringing people into reality about behaviors, creating a plan with them, and helping them form new habits can revolutionize their lives. It can also send messages to others in the group that a culture of love and respect is valued.
16 tips for when there is Socially Unacceptable Behavior
1. Shift your mindset from Boundaries to Lines of Love and Respect.
I have a problem with the word ‘Boundary.’ It conveys no sense of purpose other than defense or protection.
As a kid on the farm, we had ‘Boundary fences.’
Often built with barbed wire, it was there to prevent and preclude intrusion.
I prefer now to use the concept of a Line of Love and Respect.
When you cross over this line, you are not showing love and respect for the other.
2. Show Grace.
A useful definition of Grace is undeserved kindness.
Think theologically. That while we sin and our behaviors show a lack of love and respect to God, they (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit) still show unmerited grace and mercy towards us.
Can we be like this to others?
This may take having discussions with everyone involved in your group about what is appropriate.
What does good look like for the group, for you, and the person concerned?
You may want to write it down.
In a Renovaré Spiritual Formation Group, there is a meeting sheet, and everyone reads the expectations of conduct together out loud.
Welcome to the Renovaré Spiritual Formation Group. May God’s Holy Spirit bless us, and may we find fellowship and encouragement during this time together.
We gather together with one aim – to become better disciples of Jesus Christ. We do this by encouraging one another to keep Jesus’ word, which, as he said, is what we naturally do when we love him (John 14:23-24). Through the grace of mutual accountability, we strive to inspire one another to love and good works.
Everything said here is in confidence and stays within these walls. Only then can we feel free to share honestly. This is how we help each other.
You might like to add in other grace-filled qualities that everyone in your group agrees about. You may think that certain behaviors and social norms are obvious, and everyone knows them. That is an assumption on your behalf and may not be a reality for others. Ask them.
Avoidance using the excuse of ignorance is a little game we all try on at times.
So having written notes can help everyone take personal responsibility for what needs to happen.
Having written records can be useful in reviewing progress and as prompts for celebration.
If possible, get the other person to write down their dated notes.
This helps the memory to take it all in and encourages a sense of personal ownership of the issue.
‘When you did this, it caused me and others to feel …’
They need to know how it made you feel.
They may not even be aware of what their actions did.
7. Negotiate practical pre-prepared strategies for the next time this could happen.
The “carrot or stick approach” refers to offering a combination of reward and punishment.
A cart driver dangles a carrot in front of a mule and holds a stick behind it.
The mule moves towards the carrot because it wants the reward of food, while also moving away from the stick behind it, since it does not wish to the punishment of pain, thus drawing the cart.
Negotiate with them what would be the reward of a change in behavior, particularly in the relationships they have.
The stick will also be a negotiated natural consequence. It may well be a period where they are unable to be part of the group.
Accentuate the positive.
For every harmful behavior, try and find ten positives.
Encouragement is oxygen to the soul. George M. Adams
We all, at times, want to play the blame game and shift responsibility away from ourselves and blame others or circumstances.
They need to own the choices they make and the consequences, both good and bad.
The ‘Poor Little Old Me’ that wants sympathy.
Bring it back to the here and now and what they can do to see a different outcome.
See this post for more on P.L.O.M.
Not a long way in the future, but maybe after the next meeting.
This provides all parties involved time and a place to reassess and celebrate the successes.
I cringe when I hear those words.
At times people behave in specific ways because that is all they know.
They haven’t learned otherwise, and due to their illness, they do not pick up on social cues.
Saying they are naughty is just an easy and sloppy way of avoiding getting to know what is going on.
This is a little acronym that will help you to remember the skills required.
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B- Brief. Make your reply short. Don’t go on and on. Keep it short
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G – Gentle. Speak in a tone appropriate to the situation. We don’t need to yell, and we don’t need to be meek and whisper. Look at them and speak gently.
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E- Early. Give your reply as soon as possible. Don’t leave it till later unless you need to prepare your response. You don’t want this anger to go on and on. Paul writes ” Don’t go to bed angry” Ephesians 4:26
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S- Specific. Make sure your reply is specific to the issue. Don’t go on to past hurts and problems. Deal only with the current issue.
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C- Consequences. A good reply points out the consequences of what has happened and will happen. It is important to state how you feel about what happened. “By you doing this, you made feel very sad, etc.”. You may also need to point out what will happen if they do that again. ” I have decided that if you behave like that again, then I will….”
A good rebuke is quiet, brief, specific, and warns of the consequences of further faulty choices. A bad rebuke is loud, repeated, generally condemning, and relies on emotional pressure to effect change. David Riddell
It won’t happen overnight, but it will happen.
Change generally doesn’t happen quickly.
It takes time.
Millimetre Ministry is a little-term I talked about with those supporting people with Mental Illness.
Little steps are realistic to the change process.
Having expectations that are owned and that are achievable to the other makes progress possible. Do you do that for yourself?
16. Assess your raw response to what they have done.
Were you angry, compassionate, frustrated, curious, judgemental, hopeful?Before you go and help someone with their behaviors, assess your own as you might project your pain on to them, and escalate the situation.
Questions to consider and leave a Comment.
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Why is it essential for the person involved to be challenged to change?
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What are the long term benefits of learning new social skills?
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Why do people consider others who are behaving badly to be ‘Naughty’? What does it say about them?
Further Reading
Barry Pearman
Photo Credit: Axolot via Compfight cc
