When no one understands you, it can create a deep sense of loneliness. Perhaps there are reasons for the lack of being known. Forgive them anyway.
Quick answer: Feeling misunderstood is one of the loneliest experiences a person can have. Often it isn’t because your story lacks value, but because the people around you are busy, triggered, uncomfortable, or simply haven’t learned to listen well. Naming these reasons can soften the hurt, and following Jesus’ example of forgiving those who “do not know what they are doing” can free you from bitterness while you look for safe people who will truly hear you.
In this post:
- Carrying Something Precious
- 11 Reasons No One Understands You
- Can You Forgive Them?
- A World of Listeners
- Quotes and Questions to Consider
Carrying Something Precious
They were carrying something precious. Their inner world. Thoughts, feelings, motivations, desires, pains, and joys. Everything that goes on within their life and sometimes it’s heavy, very heavy. Too heavy for one dusty human to carry.
They needed a soul carrier. Someone who they could download the struggle to, safely. But the strongest memory of when they had done this was that their vulnerability had been thrown to the pigs.
It’s like you have found the most beautiful pearl in the world and you sell everything to buy it. You carry it with you and only show it to those you think will value it like you do. But instead they look at it, dismiss it as garbage, and then throw it to the pigs who grind it to sand.
Who is safe? Who will listen? Who cares about the beauty of the pearl within? Who is safe for in-to-me-see?
I want that. We all want that.
I want them to understand the hurt they have done. There is anger growing inside of me because of their actions, but I know that my pain will be shot down even more. There’s no point.
This is the dilemma. The tension point that I hear so often in people that download to me.
The loneliness, frustration, pain at not being heard or understood. Underneath is a desire to be known, but it’s like everyone has shields raised to stop the penetration of anything that might be uncomfortable.
It might be helpful to understand why people act in this way. Why don’t they understand?
11 Reasons No One Understands You
Here are some potential reasons.
1. They are too busy
They simply have too much going on to be able to listen to the depth you need. Forgive them anyway.
2. Your story is triggering for them
You say a few words and instantly something gets triggered in them. Unbearable feelings get generated. They go to pain places in their own lives. Naturally, they put defences up. Forgive them anyway.
3. There is a consequence for them
What you’re saying means they have to take responsibility for things they have done. They don’t want to. Forgive them anyway.
4. They have cognitive difficulties
They may not have the cognitive ability to understand. I think of those with ADHD, autism, Alzheimer’s and other cognitive disabilities. They simply struggle to understand. Forgive them anyway.
5. You think differently from others
I think of the cartoon character Yogi Bear, saying about himself that he was “smarter than the average bear”. You’re not better or worse than others. You and your personality type are simply different from others. You’re different to the ‘average bear’. So others are going to find you difficult to understand. Forgive them anyway.
6. They are trapped in a F.A.S.S. mentality
You don’t want to be F.A.S.S.ed: fixed, advised, saved, or set straight. You simply want to be heard. But if every problem is a nail and they are a hammer, then they will always treat you as a nail. Forgive them anyway.
7. They don’t know how to ask gently curious questions
They simply haven’t learned how to ask gently curious questions. There is a learning that hasn’t happened. I wonder why they haven’t learned this yet? Forgive them anyway.
8. They are uncomfortable with mystery
They like logic. No mystery, nothing unsolved or unresolved. You come with questions and mystery, and it confuses them. Forgive them anyway.
9. You’re speaking another language
Not just language, but terms, words, and concepts they do not understand. Forgive them anyway.
10. They haven’t been there themselves
You share a story that they can’t connect to their own life experience. Forgive them anyway.
11. They are impatient
They want you to move faster, get to the end. You feel a pressure to keep things light. Forgive them anyway.
Can You Forgive Them?
I think Jesus deeply felt the experience of not being fully understood.
My thoughts go to the night before his crucifixion. Anxiety and pain coursing through his veins so much so that he sweated blood.
No one understood him. Even his closest friends, his soul mates, went to sleep on him. He was utterly humanly alone.
He forgave them anyway. He knew their human weaknesses.
Even as he was dying, he defended our human fallibilities. He didn’t seek rightful justice and retribution against our dust.
So often the people we hope for understanding and closeness are the ones that hurt us the most. Forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean pretending it didn’t hurt, and it doesn’t mean handing your pearl back to the same people. It can be wise to find safe people who will honour your vulnerability, and to check that you are truly forgiving rather than stuffing the hurt down.
A World of Listeners
I hope that one of the outcomes of my writing and podcasts is that the world will have more listeners. People who might know a little more of what they are doing.
It seems to me that to find someone who will listen to you deeply, to a place where you feel understood, often requires payment. Therapists, counsellors, psychologists etc all have a role, but I wonder if much of what they do could be done by people who know how to listen well.
Maybe we also need more older men and women on front porches. I remember a psychologist lamenting the loss of the old lady on the porch, welcoming the young mums into their homes for earthy wisdom. Older men working with younger men, and a passing on of the baton of age-old wisdom.
We also need more third places for our mental health. Places where we can go to for relationship, conversation, and hope.
But most of all, it’s over to you to be what you want from others. To be the deep listener and not an ‘average bear.’
When people present to you the beautiful pearl of themselves (Matthew 13:45-46), please don’t dismiss it and throw it to the pigs (Matthew 7:6).
Quotes to Consider
- I want us to relate to one another, not as moralist to sinner or therapist to patient, but as saint to saint, father to child, friend to friend, as true lovers, with the confidence that we can help each other believe that, by the grace of God, there is something good beneath the mess. Even when all we can see is the mess, I want us to believe that we can nourish the good and encourage its release. — Larry Crabb, Connecting
- Friendship … is born at the moment when one man says to another “What! You too? I thought that no one but myself” — C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves
- Sensitive listeners respond to comments with words that convey an interest in hearing more, sentences that open the door to information. Words that open doors transmit two messages: 1. ‘I am interested in whatever you have to say.’ 2. ‘I will accept you regardless of what you say.’ — Larry Crabb, Encouragement: The Unexpected Power of Building Others Up
- Learn to respond to others with honest, open questions instead of counsel or corrections. With such questions, we help “hear each other into deeper speech.” — Parker J. Palmer
- When you speak to me about your deepest questions, you do not want to be fixed or saved: you want to be seen and heard, to have your truth acknowledged and honored. — Parker J. Palmer
- Good work is relational, and its outcomes depend on what we are able to evoke from each other. — Parker J. Palmer
- It is usually most helpful to ask questions that are more about the person than about the problem. — Parker J. Palmer
Questions to Answer
- What happens to you when you don’t feel heard and understood?
- Out of all the eleven reasons given, what resonated the most with you? Could you add a twelfth reason?
- Why are we so quick to Fix, Advise, Save or Set straight?
Further Reading
- Throwing Pearls to Pigs: Finding Safe People for Your Vulnerability — earn why oversharing your deepest struggles with the wrong people hurts, and how to find safe people who honour your vulnerability
- No One Knows Coal Like a Coal Miner: Being Met at the Coal Face — Feeling alone with your pain? Discover why being known, not fixed, matters and how Jesus meets you in the dark.
- Good Conversations don’t leave you Feeling Judged — Tired of being judged? Discover how to find and create an “oasis of gentle curiosity” where you can be fully known without being condemned.
- Four Signs you have Truly Forgiven and You’re not Stuffing it Down — Is it true forgiveness or just stuffing it down? Discover four signs of genuine release and how to move past the pain with God’s help.
- I am Known — Living behind a mask out of fear of rejection? Discover the life-changing safety of knowing you are fully seen and perfectly loved by God.
- Parable of the Pearl: The Delight of Being Sought — Stop hiding and discover your worth. Explore the Parable of the Pearl to find healing from loneliness and the beauty of being truly known.
About the Author
Barry Pearman has spent almost 30 years as a mental health support worker, community chaplain, and pastor, and has walked through depression himself. His training includes SoulCare Foundations under Dr Larry Crabb, a Bachelor of Applied Theology, spiritual direction training, and certificates in CBT interventions, pastoral therapy, and integrated mental health care. Read more about Barry Pearman’s background and training.
Turning the Page offers a grace-filled path to mental wholeness through faith and hope.
Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash
