People say you need boundaries, but what do you want to protect? When you know your ‘YES,’ you will be able to express your ‘NO.’
This website is founded on the word ‘Yes,’ but in order for the Yes to be realized ‘No’ has been said multiple times.
I have recently been watching the Tour de France. That incredible bike race through the French countryside where we see riders struggling up mountainsides and then racing down the other side at breakneck sp eds. Alongside the route are spectators. They cheer the rider on, particularly on those tough uphill climbs.
What we don’t see are the millions of moments that the rider has had to say ‘No’ over the years because they had a greater ‘Yes’ burning in their soul. It was the ‘No’ to certain foods, parties, late nights, and generally living what we would consider a normal life. Instead, a greater YES got them out of bed early in the morning to ride hours and hours by themself with no applause or accolades.
What is the YES you have burning within you?
It’s about a line
Before the word ‘boundary’ was part of our common language, there was the word ‘Line.’
‘You’ve crossed a line—a place where you have stepped across the rules, the norms, and the expectations of others.
It’s that moment when someone says something or does something that you know goes across some internal moral knowledge of right and wrong.
They have crossed a line when they have
- Yelled at you
- Been nasty at you
- Been rude or hurtful
They have crossed a line. It’s an invisible line, but you know when it happens. It’s a line of love and respect or what we now call a boundary.
I prefer lines of love and respect instead of the word boundary.
A line is more tangible in our thinking than a boundary. Boundaries are formed on lines.
I look at my google map, and I see lines encompassing the properties. This is the boundary of what is within one’s ownership and what is not. This is where I start, and you finish.
But it begins with a line. An invisible line. Upon that which is hidden, a fence is built, a wall, a barrier, trees are grown, guard dogs roam, and privacy is expressed. This is me, and this is you. There is a line, and if you cross it without my permission, there will be consequences.
What do you do when someone ‘crosses the line’?
For most of us, we accept it and move on. We might avoid or withdraw from that person.
We might express the problem to others, and they say we need better boundaries
Doesn’t help. Easy for them to say, but we are living in the skin of ourselves.
Jesus said NO because he had said YES.
Looking over the life of Jesus, we marvel at the times when Jesus performed miracles. Healing the sick, feeding the multitudes, speaking wisdom, listening to tears fall.
He gained an incredible following by doing what others wanted him to do. Walking in today’s world, he would have had a vast social media following.
We are always popular when we do what others want and expect of us.
But Jesus had a deeper YES burn ng within him. The prophet Isaiah describes this attitude with the words.
I gave my back to those who struck me,
and my cheeks to those who pulled out the beard;
I did not hide my face
from insult and spitting.
The Lord God helps me;
therefore I have not been disgraced;
therefore I have set my face like flint,
and I know that I shall not be put to shame.
Isaiah 50:6,7
The YES of Jesus was to do only what God was doing. John 5:19-20
To keep the focus on the YES, Jesus had to say NO.
No to the crowds, to the events, to heal this person and attend to that need.
The crowd wanted a conquering King to overthrow the Roman empire. He instead allowed himself to be killed through a Roman crucifixion.
He empowered his YES by withdrawing to lonely and desolate places like mountains and deserts.
Soon a large crowd of people had gathered to listen and be healed of their sicknesses.
As often as possible Jesus withdrew to out-of-the-way places for prayer. Luke 5:15-16
There was a zeal within him that consumed him.
For I endure scorn for your sake,
and shame covers my face.
I am a foreigner to my own family,
a stranger to my own mother’s children;
for zeal for your house consumes me,
and the insults of those who insult you fall on me.
Psalm 69:7-9
Knowing your YES
Recently I read this piece from
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
It speaks to me of someone who has recognized the divine approval of who they deeply are.
Something I like to do now and then when I am supporting someone through conversation is to give them my compelling vision for them.
It’s what I see God is doing in them and who they are when fully alive. It’s not about wealth, significance, or any worldly measure of success. It might include words such as internal strength, peacefulness, light, and presence.
Here is an example
I see God is forming you into someone who knows a depth of beauty and can share it with others in a way that is uniquely crafted for them.
It’s compelling because it draws them into seeing beyond the dirt in the toenails’ tough life experience of the now. It’s something they can say YES to.
What’s the Yes that you are fostering?
Empowering your NO
It’s the soul that has been abused that finds it the hardest to say NO.
It’s the one that has been bullied, robbed of dignity, stripped, and left naked in the ditch while others have walked by. The dehumanized are the ones who are not even aware they have lines and that those lines have been crossed.
But when one steps into their lives and fosters the knowing of ‘You are a child of God’ that is when the lines start to become evident
The deep YES, like a germinating seed, grows cell by cell: a knowing, a deep, deep knowing of the YES, bursts out of the seed husk.
When we know our YES, we can confidently express the NO to those moments when others cross the line.
We practice saying NO. We win some battles, and we lose some battles. Every time we learn and grow a little bit more and ready ourselves for the next moment, we have to say NO.
Knowing your YES is a journey that is relatively pain-free, but saying No brings you i to conflict with others and even yourself.
This is not about boundaries. It’s about lines. Lines of love and respect primarily for yourself.
Quotes to consider
- Tell the students to give up their small ambitions and come eastward to preach the gospel of Christ.
- Simplicity and solitude walk hand in hand. Solitude refers principally to the inward unity that frees us from the panicked need for acclaim and approval. Through it we are enabled to be genuinely alone, for the fear of obscurity is gone; and we are enabled to be genuinely with others, for they no longer control us. Richard Foster
- Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
t’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. - Care about what other people think you will always be their prisoner. Lao Tzu
- Comfort is the absence of tension; growth requires a swim in murky, dangerous waters. Dan Allender
- Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is a quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow. Mary Anne Radmacher
Questions to answer
- What stories express Jesus saying ‘No’ because he a greater ‘YES.’
- Where do you say ‘Yes’ at the moment, where you would rather say ‘NO’?
- Describe the deeper ‘YES’ that is germinating in your soul.
Further reading
Barry Pearman
Photo by Drahomír Posteby-Mach on Unsplash
