It can be so debilitating to be told ‘you need to have boundaries,’ but as you grow the heart, a new empowered strength slowly builds within.
‘You really need to have boundaries’
How many times have you heard this said or even said it yourself?
I always feel a little cringe when I hear these words. There is just something about it that sounds legalistic, mechanical, rules bound, and policy-driven.
Nothing of the heart or any internal depth to it.
This is why I prefer ‘Lines of love of respect.’ It seems to connect better to something that is of heart value. Something that is evolving.
It also sounds condemning. Continue reading “The Evolution of Empowered Boundaries”
I need a nest that I can call home. Actually, digging down a little further, I need a grouping of relationships that know me, love me, and have compassion and kindness when I get things wrong.
The other day I was pruning a vine and there high above my head was a nest. It had long been vacated. I’m not sure what type of bird built this elaborate structure to raise its young, but as I looked closer, there was an intricate architecture to the design.
Twigs, grasses, moss, lichen all gathered and foraged from around the garden and woven into a home.
Here are some pictures of the nest.
Continue reading “The Healing Nest of Kindness and Compassion”
When you’re in a dark hole, it can feel like there is a loss of hope, but you can dig yourself out with some wisdom and encouragement.
It was a hole that I had fallen into. I was in a deep dark hole where the sun didn’t seem to reach.
That is what a mental illness can be like—All-consuming, overwhelming, and a ‘blocking out’ of the reality of anything possibly being different. The fog bank is all-consuming.
I was in a hole, but I was not alone. Alongside though were bible characters who had also been in a similar place. Elijah, Moses, David, Jonah, Jeremiah, Job, Naomi, Paul, Peter, Judas, to name the ones that we know of that had emotional struggles. Even Jesus struggled with his dark night of anguish and a time when the sun refused to shine.
God handed me a spade and encouraged me to start digging. Continue reading “When You Find Yourself in a Dark Hole, Start Digging”
Why you get so angry can give a clear direction about who you truly are. It’s a matter of the heart. Your anger can indicate what you hold most dear.
As they became more whole, the anger started to simmer, then boil, and then it flowed over the containment of their life. It was, in a frightening way, beautiful and needed to happen.
Anger can be highly destructive. But flowing out without constraint can damage and burn. We all have this capacity to pour out our emotions of being hurt, mistreated, abused.
Some of the deepest hurts come from those we are in the closest relationship to. Those who we would hope and expect to know our hearts are often the ones who will not listen and show love and respect to our tender places.
I think of the patterns we set up so young to defend that tender heart. A little bruise, and a little slight, and we begin to build a fortress.
‘No one is ever going to hurt me again like that.’ Continue reading “You’re so angry and it’s going to help you”
Can anything good come out of that time, place, or person? Only if we take a risk and explore. We are invited to ‘come and see.’
I was raised on a farm near a small town called Wellsford. In fact, my ancestors settled there in the 1860s, migrating from England. Through this town and the middle of our farm, a very busy road ran, taking traffic to one of the poorer areas of New Zealand, Northland.
It was also the route to some of the most beautiful beaches and summer holiday spots we have.
My little town was a place you mostly went through or stopped off for refreshments (amusingly, that’s how it’s still referred to on tourism websites).
It was also a place where many decided to leave. If you wanted to advance and get a better education or work, then you had to leave. Continue reading “Can anything good come from this?”
There was no self confidence. It was gone like vapour from ash. But something reignited when we looked at the pebbles and not the mountain.
It was like I was looking at an empty shell. They were there in the room with me but there was very little confidence within them to do anything at all.
It had gone. Any self-belief they had seemed to have been sucked right out of them.
How did this happen? Well, they had been hammered on. Continue reading “Building a New Confidence from the Ash”
You might be helping them too much and hinder any progress for them and yourself, but we can learn new ways of helping and see the change we want for them and ourselves.
She was helping too much, and the person she was helping didn’t mind one little bit. In fact, he was very adept at throwing guilt trips and manipulations to keep her supporting his lifestyle.
It wasn’t that she was doing anything wrong. Many people thought she was so wonderful how she took care of him and others. She was so generous and kind. What a lovely Christian woman, they said.
But underneath that mission of martyrdom, there was a dying soul. Life was being sucked out of her, and resentment was taking a foothold. For all the help, she was giving out, and nothing was coming back. Continue reading “Are you helping too much?”
Sometimes we can find ourselves stuck in a dark hole and feel like we are going down, but there is hope when we open ourselves to the connection and support from others.
One of the properties I work on as a gardener is a small farm and I get to use a tractor for some of the jobs I do.
I was driving the tractor one day when all of a sudden I couldn’t move forward. I could see my wheels going round but there was little movement.
All had been going well. I was having a great day.
Driving the tractor, shifting dirt, and making the paddock I was in look tidier and neater. That was until my large wheels broke through the crust of soil and I discovered the mud and muck underneath.
I sunk. Continue reading “When You’re Feeling Stuck in a Dark Hole”
We can live warped lives because of a shadow hanging over us, but that shadow can be removed if we face what’s causing the shadow and allow the light to flood in.
Have you ever walked in a shadow?
Of course you have, but you probably didn’t take much notice of it. We do it all the time.
What about filtered light? Light that has been defused and filtered as it has passed through clouds. Again yes.
We don’t notice it because we are used to it. It’s commonplace and the norm. Continue reading “There’s a Gum Tree Shadow Hanging Over Me”
It was the feelings of a guilt trip and the words of being a ‘Brothers Keeper’ that triggered me. But was it genuinely helping me and them to think this way? Something needed to change.
Some people seem to be able to push the manipulation guilt trip button every time. They tell you how life has been hard. They share their background and a wide range of struggles. You listen, and you empathize with their struggle, and indeed life is hard for some people.
Then you look at yourself and all that you have. You may begin to feel some guilt, then some sense of a need to help them. You want to help, but you have only so much life, energy, time, and money.
In the Bible, there is a story, or in particular, a phrase from that story, that can kick into gear and hit the guilt-trip button. Continue reading “Am I My Brothers Keeper? Guilt-Trip Anyone?”