To Listen to them, Be Quick Listen to Your 'Self'

Listening to others can be frustrating, but when we listen to our ‘self,’ we might find the key to compassionate listening to others. Going deep, where life is indeed happening, requires us to stop and be slow. Be quick to listen to your self.

I wondered why I was getting so angry and frustrated with them.

I had listened to them, shared some wisdom, and nothing had changed. Why wouldn’t they follow through and do what I wanted them to do?

Surface level listening will be ok for most of our communication needs, but for the deep, essential soul questions, it takes discipline to slow down and give focused, attentive space for the other.

Be quick to listen

In the Bible, a writer by the name of James gives this advice.

Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters:
You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak,
and slow to get angry. James 1:19

Why would James include an emotion such as anger in a sentence about communication?

I believe that anger and frustration are often related to not having expectations met.

I ask my son to wash the dishes. He agrees but doesn’t do it. I get feelings of anger and frustration. The expectation of clean dishes wasn’t met.

He didn’t listen well to understand that this was important to me.

I didn’t listen well to understand that he had an important school assignment due tomorrow.

Had we both been quick to listen and slow to speak, we might have negotiated the problem better.

The conversation might have gone along these lines.

‘Would you be able to wash the dishes’?
‘Yes, I can, but I need to work on my assignment for the next hour. Is that ok?’

If your feeling angry and frustrated with someone, then I would suggest that you might not be listening deep enough.

Listen to yourself

What are your motivations when you come to listen to others?

Here are some suggestions

Perhaps you want to

Fix them
Solve the problems they have
Make your life easier
Manipulate them to do something

We enter into conversations for many different reasons, some of them not so noble.

So the first person we need to listen to is ourselves.

What is going on inside of us?

This is a discipline of laying aside our agenda for the sake of someone else.

Listening to the other

Listening to the other is going to require slowing down on your behalf and asking questions with no agenda other than to understand.

You may want to ask these questions.

‘Tell me more. I want to understand.’
‘I didn’t quite get that, can you explain it further.’
‘This is what I heard. Did I get that right?’

Watch the tone of your voice. Note your body language.

Anything that expresses anger or frustration will shut the communication flow down.

Connection

The writer James wasn’t just talking about communication. He was focusing on connection. That a conversation would go to a place where there was a deep connection of the soul to soul.

This is what we long and crave for.

Someone who will get us. Having another wanderer who can share our journey.

Real encouragement occurs when words are spoken from a heart of love
to another’s recognized fear. Larry Crabb

Spiritual Exercise

Over the next week listen for signs of anger and frustration in your life. How many of them are due, in part, to not have been deeply listened to?

You can’t control others, but you take responsibility to be a good listener yourself. Look for moments in conversations where you can take the conversation into connection. Ask further questions where you seek out more clarification?

Quotes to consider

Competent people do a good job—dentists, plumbers, schoolteachers, and technicians—but it is inadequate people, people who know that they are inadequate, that become effectively usable by God, by the Spirit of God in the work of Soul Care. Larry Crabb
To be more aware of the other person, first, become more aware of yourself. Without self-awareness, self cannot be laid aside, in order to listen. D. Riddell
Learn to respond to others with honest, open questions instead of counsel or corrections. With such questions, we help “hear each other into deeper speech.” Parker J. Palmer.
When you speak to me about your deepest questions, you do not want to be fixed or saved: you want to be seen and heard, to have your truth acknowledged and honored. Parker J. Palmer.
Good work is relational, and its outcomes depend on what we are able to evoke from each other. Parker J. Palmer
It is usually most helpful to ask questions that are more about the person than about the problem. Parker J. Palmer