Men aren’t talking, but they need to. We need to enter the cave of man’s mind and encourage him to talk. Words flow when we listen well.
It was early in the morning, and I was driving to the first job of the day. The day was starting dark, cold, and wet, and I was listening to the radio when I heard a deep and serious voice come to my ears.
Friday, August 9th is Radio Hauraki’s ‘No Talk Day.’
We’re not talking, to encourage Kiwi men to start.
Last year, 668 Kiwis took their own lives.
475 of these were men. (71%)
On average, more than 1 Kiwi male took their own life each day.
It could be your mate, your dad, your brother, or even your son.
Sometimes men feel they can’t open up about what’s affecting them so they just don’t talk.
Which is why on August 9th on Radio Hauraki, we’re not talking.
No shows, no ads, no news, no traffic.
We’re not talking, so you can.
If you’re thinking someone you know might be struggling, it’s time to reach out.
Ask them how they feel.
Tell them you care.
We know it’s hard, but it might be the most important conversation you ever have.
It got me thinking about why men don’t talk and why I don’t either. Of course, men do talk, it just may not be about what truly matters. We’ll talk about sports, politics, cars, technology, and work. As we go fishing, we will talk about the surface of the sea, but we will avoid fishing up the true monsters of the deep.
The Power of Being Pushed to Open Up
I once was asked by a woman how I was. I responded that I was ok. She then repeated, “No, I want to know how you are.” She repeated this three times. It was kind of annoying, but she was serious about wanting me to talk. I told her how I was to the level I felt safe.
It was awkward, but also strangely good to be probed. So I am asking a question of myself and you: “Why don’t men talk?”
I’ve come to some conclusions that I wanted to share. I also thought that others might like to talk about this too, so I posted the question on Facebook. The response was huge and spoke volumes about the problem. These reasons aren’t super-ordered into categories or backed by scientific research. They are raw, honest, and illuminating.
26 Reasons Why Men Don’t Talk About Their Feelings
The 26 reasons below fall into five broad patterns: fear, conditioning, past experience, identity, and a desire to protect others. Skim the headings below to find the ones that resonate.
Fear-Based Reasons
1. Fear of looking like a loser
The pressure to look successful overrides the need to be honest.
2. Fear of appearing weak
Society still measures a man by his stoicism.
3. Rejection
A belief that “no one likes a whiner” and that opening up will drive people away.
4. Fear of consequences
Terrified of being put down, shamed, or guilt-tripped.
5. Fear of the internal storm
Being absolutely terrified of their own inner world.
6. Fear of dependence
The dread of needing to rely on others.
7. Fear of the aftermath
Uncertainty about what will happen if the dam breaks. Will I be okay? Will others be okay with what spills out?
8. The terror of exposure
Being terrified of rejection should others see the reality behind the mask.
Learned Behavior & Conditioning
9. The D.I.Y. Mindset
The deeply ingrained belief of, “I can sort this problem out myself.”
10. The “Harden Up” culture
Years of being told to be a “real man” and just take the hits.
11. The “Stiff Upper Lip” legacy
Lifetimes of structural messaging that boys mustn’t cry.
12. Survival habits
Learning at an early age to shut your mouth and roll with the punches.
13. Devaluation by media
Repeated cultural messages that minimize or mock the traditional role of men.
Past Experience & Trust
14. Being “fixed” instead of heard
Receiving immediate problem-solving rather than empathy.
15. No frame of reference
Having never experienced the taste of being truly listened to.
16. Past conversational trauma
Trying to open up in the past to someone who wasn’t helpful.
17. Betrayed trust
Having shared a confidence in the past, only to watch it be weaponized or shared with others.
Emotional & Identity Barriers
18. Emotional illiteracy
Not knowing the words to describe the chaos inside.
19. Minimizing their own pain
Believing that others have needs far more important than theirs.
20. Lack of awareness
Not realizing just how far down the track of mental unwellness they have drifted.
21. Echoes of childhood shame
Hearing childhood scripts like “You’re a failure,” or “You’re useless” playing on loop in adulthood.
22. Guilt and shame
Weighing themselves down with real and perceived moral failings.
23. A lifetime of negative self-talk
An internal narrative that constantly devalues their own worth.
24. Identity confusion
Being uncertain of who they are or what their purpose is, leaving them stranded in an emotional “No Man’s Land.”
Protecting Others
25. Perceived isolation
Believing there is genuinely no one available to listen.
26. Protecting loved ones
A refusal to become a burden to family members.
I’m sure there are other reasons, and many of these reasons will apply to women too, but men need to hear they have value in their maleness. Let’s be honest that men find it hard to talk.
Men Want to Be Heard, We Just Don’t Know How to Listen
I have never found a man who, once you clamber through the clutter of twenty-six plus reasons, does not want to be heard.
I well remember a man in the last months of life. He wanted to be heard, and so I listened to him pour out the pain he had bottled up and ruminated over for thirty plus years. It was good. Talking wisdom, sharing the food of forgiveness. I think, and hope, my father felt some sense of absolution, the lifting of a shoulder-borne weight.
We need to learn how to ask better questions—listening questions. I think many of us are wary of asking the questions that need to be asked. Some inner voices from the back of our own cave reach out and try to claw us back in:
- “Will you be ok, they might bite?”
- “You might make matters worse for them.”
- “Who are you to offer help?”
- “Just don’t get involved, someone else will.”
- “She’ll be right.”
It’s time to acknowledge we all have those inner fears whose siren calls draw us back into inactivity. Men like the idea of going solo into the wind, fighting off the wild bandits, moving into life like the prow of a boat, and yet many of us are cave dwellers. Storms frighten the little boy in us to withdraw, to hide, and to pretend.
Understanding Men
Would you like to understand men better but don’t know how? I have written a book that you might like to read. It’s all about men, what makes them different, and how you can understand them better.
Click here to get a free copy of the book ‘Understanding Men: How to Listen so You can Connect and start changing how you connect today.
A Boston Balcony
One of my favorite TV shows from the last decade was Boston Legal. James Spader and William Shatner as lawyers and friends. What a pairing. At the end of the show, the two of them would sit out on a balcony, drink whiskey, smoke cigars, and spill their thoughts to each other.
Read our post on friendship and camaraderie, ‘Some call it Camaraderie, we call it Balcony’
These two dug and dodged into each other’s worlds and caves. It was friendship at its best, even if it was fictional. Could we move towards something like this?
If you’re a man reading this, then realize you can’t do this life thing on your own. You need a friend who will stick closer than a brother (Proverbs 18:24). Please, be that brother for someone you know.
If you’re a woman reading this, then encourage the man (son, husband, brother, etc.) in your life to have a friend, someone who will stick closer than a brother. Endorse it, encourage it, tempt the men in your life with cookies to come out of their caves to talk, grunt, and build a fire we can all warm to. Words flow when we listen well.
Quotes to Consider
“What the world needs are men who have come alive.”
— John Eldredge
“True strength does not come out of bravado. Until we are broken, our life will be self-centered, self-reliant; our strength will be our own. I don’t want clichés; I want deep, soulful truth, and that only comes when a man has walked the road I’ve been talking about.”
— John Eldredge, Wild at Heart
“Every man carries a wound. I have never met a man without one. No matter how good your life may have seemed to you, you live in a broken world full of broken people.”
— John Eldredge
“We tend not to recognise depression in men because the disorder itself is seen as unmanly. Depression carries, to many, a double stain – the stigma of a mental illness and also the stigma of “feminine” emotionality.”
— Terrence Real
“A man’s deepest terror is weightlessness, the absence of solid substance that others recognize and appreciate.”
— Larry Crabb
“If you do not transform your pain, you will almost certainly transmit your pain to others through anger, blame, projection, hatred, or scapegoating.”
— Richard Rohr
“Western male feels. He is trapped inside, with almost no inner universe of deep meaning to heal him or guide him.”
— Richard Rohr
“Much male anger is actually male sadness.”
— Richard Rohr
“Men often have no way to know this themselves, and many probably even think of themselves as “angry men.” They are often very sad men, but they have no differentiated feeling world, no vocabulary, no safe male friends, no inner space or outer setting in which to open up such a chasm of feeling-not even in their churches or with their partners.”
— Richard Rohr
“A man will not go on a quest until he begins searching for the right questions. I think the world is tired of religious men with loads of answers for everything.”
— Richard Rohr
Questions to Answer
- Why don’t men talk?
- Which of the twenty-six reasons spoke to you?
- What do the inner voice critics say to you to stop the flow of conversation?
Further Reading
- Reasons Why Men Don’t Go to Counselling for Anger and Depression
- When You Want to Die: Finding Hope With God
- Revealing the Blind Spots of Covert Male Depression
Barry Pearman
Photo by Jake Melara on Unsplash
