We all Need a Third Place for Our Mental Health

There’s work, home, and loneliness, but maybe a third place can be the place of hope. Let’s make one together.

I’m looking for a third place, and I think you might be too. It’s a place where I feel that I belong and there is no pressure to perform, to do, or to be someone for someone else. Where I can come and go, people know me, respect and love me, and I can do the same for them.

Would you like a place like that?

So what’s a ‘Third place.’

Third Place

To define a ‘third place,’ perhaps we need to know what a ‘first’ and ‘second’ place is.

Ray Oldenburg was an American urban sociologist who wrote about spaces where people would gather.

The First place was the home. This is where you live and the people you live with – spouse, children, in-laws.

It’s where you rest your head at night. Your place of residence and the relationships – good or bad- that exist there. For the most part, you can’t get away from these relationships. You will probably be with them for a long time. They know you and you know them.

The second place is your place of work.
I know this has changed for many with the rise of people working from home, but essentially, in a relational way, it’s that place you go to for work.

The relationships you have are because you go there for a common purpose – to work. Outside of this place, you might not normally have a relationship with these people. You probably spend most of your awake time in this place.

A Third place is where you relax in public and where you see familiar faces and make new acquaintances.

Third place qualities

Typically Third places have these qualities.

Neutral ground
In contrast to the home and workplace people who come to the Third place have little to no obligation to be there. They are free to come and go as they please.
It’s level ground.
There are no hierarchy or status requirements. Anyone can come and feel welcome.
Good Conversations are had.
Words flow easily. There is wit and banter and a genuine delight in simply being in conversation with a few others.
Accessibility and accommodation
Third places must be open and accessible to the community. They flex with the needs of those that come so that people feel accepted.
The regulars
There is a group of regular attendees that you will most likely see if you go there. They are the glue that keeps the place humming.
A low profile
There is no extravagance or grandiosity. It has a homely feel. The warmth and connection of openness and welcome. It accepts all types of individuals, from various different walks of life.
The mood is playful
This is not a place where there is tension or hostility. Instead, third places have a playful nature, where witty conversation and frivolous banter are not only common but highly valued.
Belonging
People who come to third places will often have the same feelings of warmth, possession, and belonging as they would in their own homes.I think possibly that there is a ninth quality that is not in the list provided by Wikipedia.
A place to go deep when needed.
Within the context of frivolous banter and conviviality there is an opportunity to get to know the person well so that when the hard times come, and they surely do, a few special others will notice the struggle and go deep with the soul of the other.

If you have a place that you go to that offers all of those nine qualities then you are truly blessed.

Every sitcom typically has a third place. It’s where everybody knows your name as the T.V. show Cheers sings out.

Sometimes you wanna goWhere everybody knows your nameAnd they’re always glad you cameYou wanna be where you can see (ah-ah)Our troubles are all the same (ah-ah)You wanna be where everybody knows your name

Place is important because it can be a container for the types of relationships it offers.

Meet me at the …

I don’t see third places mentioned specifically in the Bible.

Perhaps it might have been well from which people drew their water. A common meeting place. Certainly, Jesus had a good conversation with a woman there.

Maybe it was the gateway to the city or village. That was a place where you went to discuss and talk with others about the topics of the day. Prov 1:21; 31:23; cf. Ruth 4:11; Job 29:7

Possibly the early Christian church was a kind of third place. People meet in small groups, share a meal, talk about faith, and hold hope. Good conversations flowed. No hierarchy, and no demands to perform. Taking a walk and discovering Jesus walking alongside.

I long for that kind of place.

But I’m finding it hard to find a place where all of the nine requirements of a third place can be found.

I had dinner with some neighbors a few weeks ago that came close. Much banter, openness, and laughter were had. Would I go deep with them? Maybe if I got to know them more and felt safe with them.

I was recently asked why men don’t go to counseling. I wrote a post giving 10 reasons why, but maybe under all of those reasons is a feeling that it just feels like work and yet another place to potentially fail.

I believe that both men and women want a place where they are welcomed, warts and all, and know they are being listened to.

A place where maybe a few others who have ‘been there, done that’ can come alongside and walk with us through the tough times. A place where they are known, held, and loved.

Stray Dogs Cardmaking A Canoe ‘Church’

I recently shared with a couple of friends that I would like to start a group called Stray Dogs.

It would be a kind of place, where stray dogs like myself who need a place to connect would meet and wag our tails at each other in delight. No sniffing of butts though 😉.

I’ve seen third places develop around a craft or hobby. It could be meeting somewhere to make cards, brew beer, tell stories, write stories, build a canoe, grow vegetables, etc.

The outcome is not the finished product, it’s more the intangible quality of the relationships grown in this place. A place where everybody knows your name and possibly the story within the limp you have.

And please don’t call it ‘church’ because that loaded term may just destroy the qualities of the early church – love, friendship, generosity, and hope.

Quotes to consider

To say “I am going to church” both reveals and promotes bad theology. Marva J. Dawn
When spiritual friends share their stories, the others listen without working. They rest. There’s nothing to fix, nothing to improve. A spiritual community feels undisturbed quiet as they listen, certainly burdened . . . but still resting in the knowledge that the life within, the passion for holiness, is indestructible. It needs only to be nourished and released. Larry Crabb