Can you Live with a Narcissist? Six Suggestions

Can you live with a narcissist? Yes, but it might just kill you. Or it might just starve you from savouring life to the fullest.

One of the most interesting quotes I have come across about stress is this one from French journalist Jean-Louis Servan-Schreiber

What I fear most about stress is not that it kills, but that it prevents one from savouring life. Jean-Louis Seven-Schreiber

I have listened to people who live or have lived with those with the narcistic traits I mentioned in a previous post.

A common feature is that there is a loss of life. That the constant demand to meet the narcissistic supply of the other means a loss of life in themselves.

And it’s subtle.

It’s a quiet pull to meet the others narcissistic selfish needs.

It’s the foolish expectation of the ‘Happy wife, happy life’ motto.

That if I keep the wife (or husband, child, family member, boss, etc) ‘happy’, then I will be happy.

But all too often, it dissolves to a ‘keeping on giving and giving’ and daring ‘not to rock the boat’.

We begin to feel like we are ‘walking on eggshells’ and wanting to avoid potential landmines.

We live with anxiety and wonder what will happen next.

Meanwhile, everyone else thinks the narcissist is so wonderful. But you see a different persona.

You feel trapped, and you might start to consider your own sanity.

Please remember that another persons ‘happiness’ is not your responsibility.

Their life is not your responsibility. They are to be responsible for themselves.

The narcistic lie is ‘Look how wonderful I am, come and be entranced by my glorious beauty, wisdom, power, strength, etc’

Basically, narcissism is selfishness, not selflessness.

So how do you live with a narcissist?

Can you live with a narcissist? Six Suggestions.

Create a Flint like focus
Flint is a very hard rock and the phrase ‘Flint-like focus’ is a metaphor that describes a strong, unwavering focus.

It’s determined and will not be distracted. It’s persevering and not being swayed.

The prophet Isaiah writes

The Lord God helps me;
therefore I have not been disgraced;
therefore I have set my face like flint,
and I know that I shall not be put to shame

I think of Jesus living with us and our self-centred narcissistic ways.

He could have been distracted, but instead he set his ‘face like flint’ towards Jerusalem, the cross, the resurrection, and fulfilling God’s plans for him.

We want the other to be part of our journey, but they are more focused on their own reflection.

You want to focus on Jesus.

Let them have their trip and you have flint like focus trip on yours.
Set your boundaries
This is who I am.

This is who they are.

Understand there is an ‘I’, a ‘We’, and there is a ‘Work’

The narcissist will want to suck the life out of your ‘I’.

Don’t let them. Build stronger walls by building a stronger ‘I’.

Read more about the ‘I’,’We’ and the ‘Work’
Give what is their due.
It’s like a tax they want you to pay. The entitlement dictator’s tax, but without limit.

Jesus, in answering a question about paying tax to Caesar, said:

“Give therefore to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s and to God the things that are God’s.” Matthew 22:15-22

So give to them their due. Be kind, respectful, but save your best life, the most precious gift within yourself to give to God and to those who appreciate its value.

You don’t have to give to meet their narcissistic supply.

Don’t lay your most precious pearls out before them because they will only trample them into the ground and then they will attack you.

‘Do not give what is holy to dogs; and do not throw your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under foot and turn and maul you.’ Matthew 7:6

As someone who has given over ones ‘most precious pearls’ to those unable to see their beauty, they have gone on to ‘trample on them’ and then attack me.

Don’t give something to someone who can’t see its beauty and worth.
Gather a few others around you
One of the features of Jesus in his ‘flint like focus’, is that he gathered a few others who gave him encouragement and support.

By the end of his human journey, only a handful remained.

We all need people who will pour soul into our soul.

To lift us up when beaten down.

I grow my own faith in God, but I also need a few others who can help me grow my faith and I to help grow their faith.
Cultivate a secret life with God
Much of what I have written above can seem almost narcistic in its focus.

That it has a self – focus.

You might wonder if you aren’t being a little narcissistic in yourself.

Actually, we are all a little selfish having an Incurvatus in se to ourselves.

Here is something to combat that potential risk of being sucked into ‘Look at me’ life style.

Give to God completely in secret.

Jesus gave this counsel.

‘Beware of practising your piety before others [a narcissistic behaviour];
in order to be seen by them [a narcissistic desire];
for then you have no reward from your Father in heaven.

‘So whenever you give alms, do not sound a trumpet before you [a narcissistic behaviour];,
as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets [a narcissistic behaviour],
so that they may be praised by others [a narcissistic desire];.

Truly I tell you, they have received their reward.

But whenever you pray, go into your room and shut the door and pray to your Father who is in secret;
and your Father who sees in secret will reward you.

‘When you are praying, do not heap up empty phrases [a narcissistic behaviour];
as the Gentiles do; for they think that they will be heard [a narcissistic desire];
because of their many words. Matthew 6:5-7

This is a challenge to those of us, such as myself, who are called to a public ministry.

Am I doing this to receive praise etc? It feels good to be applauded, but is it helpful?

To counter this I have a secret life of giving and prayer.
I would encourage a very secret life where you do things that no one else knows about and so there is no potential for human praise.

It could be giving financially to your church or someone completely covertly.

It’s purely between you and God.
Let consequences take their course

A narcissistic lifestyle, a focus on selfishness, will eventually have its natural consequences.

I think of David and the natural consequences of his adultery.

Abigail let the natural consequences of Nabals foolish self centeredness take place.

In the non-violent approach to handling bullies, tyrants and narcissists, Jesus advocated letting the natural consequences of their demands lead them to a place of public shaming.

Something that might just wake the narcissist to an awareness of their sin.

‘You have heard that it was said, “An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.” But I say to you, Do not resist an evildoer. But if anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn the other also; and if anyone wants to sue you and take your coat, give your cloak as well; and if anyone forces you to go one mile, go also the second mile.’ Matthew 5:38-41

Paul, a reformed narcissist, writes this.

Consider your own call, brothers and sisters:
not many of you were wise by human standards [a narcissistic desire],
not many were powerful [a narcissistic desire],
not many were of noble birth [a narcissistic desire].

But God chose what is foolish [a perfect narcissist doesn’t want to be seen like this] in the world to shame the wise;
God chose what is weak [a perfect narcissist doesn’t want to be seen like this] in the world to shame the strong;
God chose what is low and despised [a perfect narcissist doesn’t want to be seen like this] in the world,
things that are not [a perfect narcissist doesn’t want to be seen like this],
to reduce to nothing [a perfect narcissist doesn’t want to be seen like this] things that are,
so that no one might boast [What a narcissist wants to do] in the presence of God. 1 Corinthians 1:26-29

Living with an extreme narcissist is hard, and there may come a time when you have to part ways, but in the mean time prayferully try the six suggestions I have made.

Give them choices.

Give them forks in the road, places where decisions have to be made.

Don’t try to F.A.S.S them – fix, advise, save, or set them straight.

It’s going to be tough, and on the other side of this you may well come out quite broken, but you will also come out wiser and stronger. You will be able to support those who are living with a narcissist.

Questions?

Comments?

Email me 🙂📨 barry@turningthepage.co.nz

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Quotes to consider

If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when? Hillel
Every ‘rescuer’ needs to know that sometimes people will need to feel worse before they can feel better. D. Riddell
If you choose not to deal with an issue, then you give up your right of control over the issue, and it will select the path of least resistance. Susan Del Gatto
We always hope for the easy fix: the one simple change that will erase a stroke problem. But few things in life work this way. Instead, success requires making a hundred small steps go right – one after the other, no slip-ups, no goofs, and everyone pitching in. Atul Gawande
Accepting responsibility for your own responses and choices is the first step to a healed life. (Christians call this “re-pentance”.) David Riddell
Be honest with people, for their sake, not just your own and remember, their response to you is their responsibility. David Riddell
For someone as amazing as you, attention is like food, and you’re always hungry. Seth McDonough
Compassion for yourself is where you start when things are tough, not where you stop. Rick Hanson Resilience
There’s the general principle that we should treat people with decency and compassion. Well, “people” includes the person who wears your name tag. Rick Hanson Resilience
If I am not for myself, then who will be for me? If not now, when? Rabbi Hillel
Be there for others but never leave yourself behind Dodinsky
I’m slowly learning that some people are not good for me, no matter how much I love them. I deserve someone who is gentle and kind, because my soul is getting tired. Realizing that I deserve something good is one of the first steps. Keanu Reeves

Questions to answer

Which of the six suggestions challenges you the most?
How does God bring a narcissist to being conscious of their total self-centredness?
Are you trying to fix, advise, save, set straight someone who doesn’t want to be? Why are you doing that? What would it be like for you to allow natural consequences to take place?

Formation exercise

Do something completely in secret.
e.g.
1. Send a card to someone who needs some encouragement. Don’t sign your name.
2. Give a cash donation to a cause or someone you know who is struggling.

Tell no one. See what gets stirred up in your soul? Create a habit of doing this on a regular, weekly basis.