I want to pray, but I don’t know how. Praying for a narcissist begins with honesty. It prays for light.
Quick answer: You pray for a narcissist by first examining your own blind spots, then praying for revelation, softening, and small “millimetre” changes rather than instant transformation — while also praying for your own strength and boundaries. Genuine change in narcissistic patterns is possible, but it’s rare and slow, and it requires the person’s own willingness, not just your prayers.
Can a narcissist change?
That’s a question many people ask. It’s much like that old joke about psychologists changing a lightbulb:
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but the light bulb has to want to change!
What about the narcissistic spin on that classic joke?
How Many Narcissists Does it Take to Change a Light Bulb?
One… they hold it in place and wait for the world to revolve around them.
Seriously though, can those with deeply engrained narcissistic tendencies change? Many say they can’t. I say they can, but it will involve a complete breaking down of all the thinking structures they have built around themselves. I believe that type of radical change can only come through prayer.
Table of Contents
- Understanding the Spiritual Blindness of Narcissism
- How Do You Pray for a Narcissist? 10 Ways
- A Final Prayer for Light
- Quotes, Questions and a Formation Exercise
- Frequently Asked Questions
Understanding the Spiritual Blindness of Narcissism
Narcissists are caught in a delusional spell. The world has to revolve around them. Underneath that spell there is often a deep emptiness — what I’ve called a God-shaped hole that narcissism tries to fill. How do we pray when someone we care about is under the spell of narcissus? Before we get into the list, there is something we must understand.
God has given all of us freewill. We have a volitional choice in all things. God will not cross anyone’s freedom to choose.
I often say, “You can lead a horse to water, put ice cubes in the water, sprinkle rose petals on the water, sing ‘Kum By Yah My Lord,’ and the horse will still not drink.”
There is also a saying, “There are none so blind as those who will not see.” I would add to that, “There are none so blind as those who refuse to wear their prescription glasses.”
How blind are you? How blind are those you care about? We can’t change them, but we can pray for them.
How Do You Pray for a Narcissist? 10 Ways
1. Pray With an Examination of Yourself First
It’s important to come to God fully aware of our own narcissistic tendencies. We all have them. Review the list of eleven characteristics of those with narcissistic personality disorder and honestly look to where you might need to examine the speck in your own eye before praying about the log in another’s eye (Matthew 7:3-5). This self-examination brings us to the place of humble, honest prayer:
2. Pray the Way Jesus Prayed
The first followers of Jesus asked him how to pray. So he told them:
I like this little quote from Richard Rohr:
If you’d like more ways to pray for others, Can You Pray For Me? offers templates of intimacy and millimetre focus.
3. Pray for a Revelation and Awareness
Pray that an awareness or a revelation of the eleven characteristics of those with narcissism tendencies might awaken in the person you are praying for. It’s interesting that biblical figures who show narcissistic patterns, such as those explored in Satan: The Perfect Narcissist in the Bible, had a kind of visual awakening when they woke up from their ways. There is something within narcissism that connects heavily to the visual senses of the person.
4. Pray for Stories That Explode, Expose, and Cause Repentance
I think of how the prophet Nathan came to David the king with a simple little parable (2 Samuel 12:1-15) that cut right through all the defense mechanisms that David had set up around his bound-up thinking. The story exploded in his mind, he felt exposed, and then he came back to God with a penitent heart.
5. Pray for Millimetres of Growth
We like to see major miracles, but so often God works in the millimetres. Little by little, true change happens. Expecting millimetre progress instead of giant leaps protects you from despair.
6. Pray for a Softening of the Heart
There is a defensive wall. They have been hurt before and have built a rigid defense system around them. Pray for little chinks in their armour to appear so as to allow real and true love to penetrate. If you’re building your own protective walls in response to someone else’s behaviour, Let’s Rethink the Word ‘Boundary’ looks at how healthy limits can come from love and respect rather than fear, and I’m Building a Wall explores Nehemiah’s wisdom on rebuilding boundaries.
7. Pray for the Peeling Off of Spiritual Tentacles
As I have said before, I believe that there is a spiritual entanglement entrapping the extreme narcissist. Pray for a gentle peeling off of every little lie that is holding the person captive.
8. Pray for a Weakening of the Thinking Structures
There is a strong structure built up in the brain to maintain and grow narcissistic blindness. Pray for a weakening of this structure and an opening to new truth.
9. Pray for Wisdom to Know How to Do Good
The Bible says that we “overcome evil by doing good” (Romans 12:21). Pray for God-enriched ways to return good for evil, to turn the other cheek, to give them your shirt and confuse the bully into shame, and to walk the extra mile.
WARNING: I am not advocating taking ongoing abuse. There is a limit, but Jesus was wise in the pictures he used of “turning the other cheek” to undermine injustice and to bring to public awareness acts of abuse. If you’re not sure where that limit sits for you, Not My Circus, Not My Monkeys walks through how to draw a boundary line without abandoning compassion.
If you are in danger right now, call 111. In New Zealand you can also contact Women’s Refuge on 0800 733 843 or Shine on 0508 744 633 (Shine supports people of any gender).
10. Pray for a Strengthening of Yourself
Pray for yourself. Pray for wisdom to know when to pray and when to step back. Ask for divine wisdom and daily strength. Paul’s words, “so far as it depends on you,” are a reminder that living at peace with difficult people has limits. If you share a home with this person, see six suggestions for living with a narcissist. Someone in an ongoing relationship with a narcissist often has to relearn what love owes them versus what it doesn’t — Am I Codependent? You Can’t Earn Love Here and What Type of Cup Are You? Embracing Holy Self-Love are both good next reads if you recognise yourself pouring out more than you’re able to hold.
A Final Prayer for Light
This is not an exhaustive list on how to pray for a narcissist, but it’s a start. I finish with a prayer for more light. I was listening to the Lectio Divina reading of Psalm 36:5-10 and this prayer grew out of it.
I Want More Light
I want more light
To shine my way
I want more light
On them that stray
In your light
We see light
In your way
We do not stray
I pray for myself
That I may never be distracted by this or that
Keep me compass true
To your fountain of life
I pray for my distracted friend
Pulled to a reflection glory
Dimly seen
Broken story
Shine your light
Break in through the cracks
Open up the hardened shell
Bring my loved one back
In your light
We see the light
Everything else
Turkish delight*
I want to know more of your light
To share a candle flame
Purged clean of all that is not of you
In you there is no shame
Overflow your fountain
May it spill from me to we
Life and light abundant
Swimming in glorious mystery
16/4/25
*Turkish delight — see Satan: The Perfect Narcissist in the Bible, linked above.
Quotes, Questions and a Formation Exercise
Quotes to Consider
- “We pray for the big things and forget to give thanks for the ordinary, small (and yet really not small) gifts.” — Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together
- “I can no longer condemn or hate a brother for whom I pray, no matter how much trouble he causes me.” — Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together
- — Dietrich Bonhoeffer, The Cost of Discipleship
- “One can no more pray too much than one can love too much.” — Victor Hugo, Les Misérables
- “Prayer tills the soil of the soul and unearths the clods of stories that lie beneath the surface.” — Dan Allender
- “There certainly must be some who pray constantly for those who never pray at all.” — Victor Hugo, Les Misérables
- — Deborah Orr
- “For someone as amazing as you, attention is like food, and you’re always hungry.” — Seth McDonough
- — Richard Foster
- “Supernatural goals need supernatural resources.” — Larry Crabb
Questions to Answer
- To pray for a narcissist can be likened to praying for someone with physical blindness. How do we keep persistent in prayer?
- Is there a time to stop praying and simply let go of the call to pray?
- What millimetre changes do you think need to happen in the life of someone who has a ‘nagging horror’ that they are, ‘deep down, unloveable’?
Formation Exercise
It all begins with honesty before God.
Where are you honestly before God about praying for a narcissist? Angry? Frustrated? Ambivalent? Hopeful?
Frequently Asked Questions
Can a narcissist actually change?
Genuine change is possible but rare, because it requires the person’s own willingness to face themselves — something narcissism itself resists. Prayer focuses on small, “millimetre” shifts rather than sudden transformation, while accepting that God will not override anyone’s free will.
What should I pray for instead of praying for them to “see sense”?
Pray for revelation, a softening of the heart, a weakening of their defensive thinking patterns, and for your own strength and boundaries — rather than praying for a specific outcome or timeline you can’t control.
Is it wrong to set boundaries with a narcissist while I pray for them?
No. Praying for someone and protecting yourself from harm are not in conflict. Jesus’ teaching on “turning the other cheek” was about undermining injustice publicly, not about tolerating ongoing abuse — boundaries and prayer can coexist.
How do I start examining my own narcissistic tendencies before I pray for someone else’s?
Start with honest self-examination using Psalm 139:23-24 as a template, and review a clear list of narcissistic traits so you can recognise both patterns in the other person and any of the same tendencies in yourself.
Further Reading
- Stop the Dumping: How to Set Boundaries With Toxic People — Were you the family scapegoat? Learn why worth comes before boundaries and a simple script to stop verbal abuse.
- Give them your Shirt and confuse the bully into shame — Discover how Jesus’ teaching on non-violent confrontation can flip power dynamics, expose a bully’s shame, and reclaim your self-worth.
- Doing Your Best to Live at Peace with Everyone — Struggling with difficult people? Discover why “peace at any price” isn’t the goal. How to stay “in tune” while letting others own their mess
- She Crossed a Line — Verbal abuse can be as damaging as physical violence Learn how to define your boundaries and reclaim your identity after words cross a line
- It’s not ‘Two steps forward and Three steps back’ — Stop the cycle of two steps forward, three steps back. Discover “Millimetre Ministry” for gradual, gentle, and realistic personal growth.
- Pray More, Do Less: Finding the Ancient Path to Prayer — Escape tick-box prayer and comparisonitis. Discover the ancient path that invites you to pray more and do less.
Photo by Philipp Pilz on Unsplash
