Not My Circus: Understanding Emotional Boundaries

The first time I heard the Polish proverb “Not my circus, not my monkeys” I felt quite shocked, but digging deeper, I understood what they were saying.

I heard it said by a husband about his wife.

It felt callous.

It felt cold and I still think it was.

That he would not want to help engage with the struggles she was facing.

To say “Not my circus, not my monkeys” is to declare that you don’t want to be dragged into the drama of the other person’s issues—that you’re not getting involved.

I get the boldness of the statement, and the need at times to be quite cold and confrontational.

Some people seem to want to pass on the drama of their own life to others.

They throw little word grenades such as …

I thought you were a Christian
‘Didnt Jesus say …’
Sentences containing ‘oughts and should’s’
‘Poor little old me’

Manipulation munition is thrown over the line. The boundary line.

Over the years, I have known people who seem to have grown into becoming professional circus owners and monkey minders.

Have you had people want you to take control and responsibility for their monkeys?

Or maybe you see a need, you see the circus and the monkeys. You want to help and so adopt the circus and the monkeys and make them your own.

But in the end, the person doesn’t want to change and face the chaos. All you are left with is exhaustion and a pile of monkey poop.

Not my circus, not my monkeys

Did Jesus ever say anything like this?

Not directly, but Jesus told a parable about a young man who had a circus, had monkeys as such, and had a loving parent that let him have his trip.

It’s the story of the prodigal son and loving father.

The son had a dream of running away with the circus. Monkey thoughts of hedonistic pleasure filled his life.

The father gave the son his inheritance and watched him and his circus monkeys wander away.

He still loved his son and longed for his return, but knew that the son had to tame his own circus lusts and desires.

The son did eventually return, and the father welcomed him home.

The story has many lessons for us, but the allowance of free will and its consequences is a major lesson.

I know for many of us, including myself, there is a strong desire to rescue and help, but the pattern will continue until the person decides that the monkeys in their circus are their responsibility.

How to help someones circus and monkeys

1. Stand back and observe

Stand back from the situation and take a long considered look.

See the circus, see the monkeys.

What really is going on?

Ask lots of gently curious questions. No F.A.S.S. – No Fixing, Advising, Saving, or Setting Straight

2. Express empathy

Help them know that you understand what is going on for them. That they are not alone.

3. This is the line

Express your line. This is what I can do. This is what I cant do.

e.g. I can’t give you any money, but I can take you to a budgeting service.

4. Empower self-responsibility

Empower the ownership of the problem into their own hands.

Typically, I do this through the use of a problem solving sheet and then making a S.T.A.N. plan

Learning the lines

It’s about boundaries

It’s about lines.

Lines to establish.

Lines to rehearse and say over and over again to yourself.

If you’re a rescuer or into people pleasing, then perhaps you need to learn some lines that you can say to yourself.

Here are a few

Not my circus, not my monkeys. I have my own circus to enjoy.
Not my circus, not my monkeys, but I can offer them a net to catch the monkeys
How will they ever learn if I keep rescuing them?
Am I enabling this to happen in someway?
Everyone has a nest, and I am but one strand
I will do what I can do, they will do what they can do, God will do what God will do. I am not God.

Poem

Not my Circus

It’s not my circus
They’re not my monkeys
They’re not my clowns
Dancing around inside

I’m not your circus ringmaster
I’m not going to take control
That’s for you to step up and do
But I will stay by you

I will offer you some help
If you want to make a change
I’m not the rescuing kind
It may feel kind of strange

I’m not here to take control
That’s your life in your hands
Your body, mind and soul
Isn’t it time to make some plans

If you want my help
I will problem solve with you
I will do what I can do
But mostly it’s up to you

How will you learn
How will you grow
If you haven’t learned
To take control of the show

Dancing clowns
Prancing ponies
I really don’t want to see
Some lame circus phony

It’s not my circus
They’re not my monkeys
Doesn’t mean
I care any less for you

Don’t pout
Don’t cry those tears
Don’t try and manipulate my heart
I really do care

I’m here to help
To do what I alone can do
For you to be all that can you be
You must take responsibility for you

Together we will see
Those monkeys back in control
Together we will find
A new incredible you

Questions?
Comments?
Email me 🙂📨
barry@turningthepage.co.nz

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Quotes to consider

It is usually most helpful to ask questions that are more about the person than about the problem. Parker J. Palmer
If you choose not to deal with an issue, then you give up your right of control over the issue, and it will select the path of least resistance. Susan Del Gatto
We always hope for the easy fix: the one simple change that will erase a stroke problem. But few things in life work this way. Instead, success requires making a hundred small steps go right – one after the other, no slip-ups, no goofs, and everyone pitching in. Atul Gawande
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But if I am only for myself, who am I? If not now, when? Hillel
Every ‘rescuer’ needs to know that sometimes people will need to feel worse before they can feel better. D. Riddell
Only those willing to stand close enough to listen will ever hear those closest to the problem. Jim Wallis
Compassion for yourself is where you start when things are tough, not where you stop. Rick Hanson

Questions to answer

What is your first response to the proverb ‘Not my circus, not my monkeys’? Why that response?
What experiences have you had where you have felt others have wanted you to take control of the circus?
Whats the downside of rescuing and people pleasing? Whats the upside?