Tell Me More How Three Words Build Bridges Not Walls

We all have a secret garden. A place we don’t want others to go near, but with three little words, we can build a bridge and not a wall.

Quick answer: When a conversation suddenly hits a wall, pushing harder usually makes the wall higher. Three gentle words – “Tell me more” – invite the other person to open the gate rather than defend it. Curious, unhurried questions build a bridge into someone’s “secret garden,” the tender place they protect, so that trust and connection can grow.

In this post:

When a conversation hits a wall
A bridge or a wall: a father and his daughter
We all have a secret garden
How “tell me more” builds a bridge
Quotes and questions to reflect on

When a Conversation Hits a Wall

I had been having a conversation with someone, and then suddenly, I felt the protection of a wall. The conversation changed, there was a ‘downplaying’ of the issue we talked about, and a new topic was introduced.

I could sense a wall protecting something, a tender topic, something they weren’t confident in exploring with me, yet if we were to grow in a relationship, we needed to be willing to build bridges and not walls.

“Let’s build bridges, not walls.” – commonly attributed to Martin Luther King Jr.

Three simple words build bridges and not walls. Tell me more.

A Bridge or a Wall: A Father and His Teenage Daughter

I remember a man coming to me once for some advice about his teenage daughter. She had become a bit rebellious, and he wanted to straighten her out.

I asked him to tell me more. He explained the situation further, and I got to understand the crisis that had happened.

The invitation for him was to either build a bridge or build a wall.

The wall: rules and opinions

His initial response was to come down hard and strong with his rules and opinions. We talked about what would be the most likely outcome of this approach, and he decided that she would most likely build a wall. A structure that would inhibit a deeper relationship and bonding with his daughter.

The bridge: entering her world

The other option was to build a bridge. A means by which he could enter her world and get to know what was going on.

Hopefully, through his being a model of good relationship skills, she might want to enter his world and understand his fears, but that is never a promise.

It would take longer, require patience, and learning to be quiet and to listen.

So we talked about some questions that he could gently ask her. The ‘Tell me more’ invites.

He was not to express his opinion – no fixing, advising, saving, or straightening out (No F.A.S.S.). He was to probe into the problem gently.

Over time and with many conversations, he and his daughter built a stronger relationship. Each of them had different views on all sorts of topics, but there was growing mutual respect. (If you’re facing someone whose mind seems completely closed, the two trees conversation exercise is another gentle way in.)

We All Have a Secret Garden

One of my favourite Bruce Springsteen songs is “Secret Garden.”

He sings about a man longing to reach the deepest parts of a woman’s life. She lets him come close enough to know she is really there, but there is a hidden garden inside her that she keeps locked away – and everything he longs for stays out of reach.

We all have secret gardens. Walls are built to keep ourselves safe.

We have been hurt, so, self-protectively, we build protection around ourselves.

But what walls do is hide the best of what the garden has to offer the world.

The most precious rose is kept locked away, and no one can delight in its beauty and purpose.

I’ve snuck into a few people’s secret gardens. Seen the roses, smelt the fragrance, and helped some walls be taken down and rusty gates swing a little wider so others may be blessed by the beauty within.

Why walls are sometimes needed

To be honest, some people will not treat the tenderness of your heart with the love and respect it needs and deserves. You’ve been there, done that, got the tee-shirt and the pain.

So you’ve built a wall, but you still want to be known. There is a flower garden in your soul that needs tender care and love. Wisdom about finding safe people for your vulnerability matters here, and so does knowing when building a healthy boundary wall is part of recovery.

Looking for a gardener

You don’t want a mechanic, an engineer, or an accountant. You want a gardener to tend the soil, prune the vines and smell the roses.

True gardeners are hard to find.

It’s interesting to note that the first person to see Jesus after his resurrection was Mary, who thought he was the cemetery’s gardener (John 20:15). Perhaps he was. Maybe he was the gardener of dead souls.

How “Tell Me More” Builds a Bridge

I want to know more. I want to understand.

Behind the problems we have are often secret gardens. We present with this issue, but really the deepest problem is hidden away behind walls and doors.

A king is one who searches things out.

It is the glory of God to conceal things, but the glory of kings is to search things out. – Proverbs 25:2

Gentle questions that open doors

It might come in the form of these little questions and statements – what I call empowering questions:

I want to know a little bit more.
Can you please explain?
I didn’t quite understand.
Tell me more.

A king builds bridges over the walls, peeks through the gates, looks at the fears and assumptions we have made, and explores the beauty within. Good conversations like this don’t leave you feeling judged.

Don’t let your secret walled garden be lost to the world. We need the beauty and purpose you have within.

Quotes to Consider

When you speak to me about your deepest questions, you do not want to be fixed or saved: you want to be seen and heard, to have your truth acknowledged and honored. – Parker J. Palmer
Sensitive listeners respond to comments with words that convey an interest in hearing more, sentences that open the door to information. Words that open doors transmit two messages: 1. ‘I am interested in whatever you have to say.’ 2. ‘I will accept you regardless of what you say.’ – Larry Crabb
A brother has not given up all things if he holds onto the purse of his own opinions. – St. Francis of Assisi
When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. – Henri J.M. Nouwen
Learn to respond to others with honest, open questions instead of counsel or corrections. With such questions, we help “hear each other into deeper speech.” – Parker J. Palmer

Questions to Answer

What is in your secret garden?
What are some gently curious questions that you could ask someone?
Who has gently explored your secret garden?

About the Author

Since 1995, Barry Pearman has worked as a mental health support worker, community chaplain, and pastor, and has walked through depression himself. His training includes SoulCare Foundations under Dr Larry Crabb, a Bachelor of Applied Theology, spiritual direction training, and certificates in CBT interventions, pastoral therapy, and integrated mental health care. Read more about Barry Pearman’s background and training.

Turning the Page offers a grace-filled path to mental wholeness through faith and hope.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

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Tell Me More: How Three Words Build Bridges, Not Walls