Even If It Does Me Harm

We give and give, even if it does us harm, but what if we learned the limits and established a line?

People have said to me in the past ‘You need to set better boundaries’

I look and them and think. ‘Thanks for the encouragement. You really haven’t listened to me.’

I do have a love/ hate relationship with the word ‘boundaries’

My first experience of the word ‘boundary’ was when I was on my parents’ farm.

We had boundary fences. These fences, around the edge of our farm, came up against the neighbours’ farm, or a road, or river.

This was our property, that was theirs.

But then, in 1992, the book ‘Boundaries: When To Say Yes, How To Say No: How to Take Control of Your Life‘ by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend was published.

Over 4 million copies of this book have been sold.

Read that title again

Notice how it is all about the individual and ‘To take control of your life’. It is self-help focusing in on you being the most important person.

I think life and faith is more about the ‘we’ than it is about the ‘I’.

It’s about the relationships we have.

Back in Genesis 1 when all was perfect and good, I don’t believe there were any boundaries except for one. Don’t eat the fruit of that tree (Genesis 2:16,17).

Everyone was in perfect alignment with intimacy. Perfect ‘in-to-see’.

No need for lines because all was good, true, and overflowing with love to the other.

But now we have lines.

Lines turn into fences.

Fences turn into walls.

And some walls have razor wire on the top.

Walls can place us into isolation and the loss of in-to-me-see.

We are ‘safe’ behind the line, fence, razor rimmed wall.

But we still smell the wafts of in-to-me-see drift over the walls from that ancient archetypal place of Eden.

Something still sits within our bones. Something of another time.

Even if it does me harm

There are some that know deeply what it’s like on this side of the wall, fence, and line.

They have a sensitivity to the pain of others.

There is a knowing of the pain people are experiencing.

They are the ones who simply can’t walk by a soul that is beaten down by robbers and thrown into a ditch to die (Story of Good Sarmatian).

They will give of themselves even if it does them harm.

I recently heard this quote.

Gifted, intense, and sensitive children unconsciously seek to meet the multilayered needs of those around them, even if it does them harm. Living with Intensity. Susan Daniels, Michael M. Piechowski

Some interesting words here.

Gifted, intense, and sensitive children. I think I was one of those children and, of course, children become adults, but they still have those childhood ways. I also believe that if you are reading this blog post and read other posts of mine and feel a sense of ‘Yes, this is me’, then you may well be similarly gifted, intense, and sensitive. Like attracts like, opposites repel. (Proverbs 27:17)
Unconsciously seek to meet the multilayered needs of those around them. We don’t even know we are doing it, but off we go looking as to how to meet the need. It can devolve into rescuing and people pleasing. Deep within, we see needs and wonder how we can meet them. We don’t want others to be in pain.
Even if it does them harm. We come second to the needs of others. We will gladly put others first, even at the cost of our own needs.

The ‘Even if it does us harm’ is never said openly. We might not know it’s even there, but its sneaky presence is in the background.

It also can be endorsed and encouraged by the groupthink of those around us.

My experience of church life has often had the thread of self-sacrifice.

I remember clearly teaching preschoolers in Sunday School a hideous little song called J.O.Y.

J.O.Y.
J.O.Y.
It must surely be
Jesus first
Your self last
And others in between
(to the tune of jingle bells)

My apologies to all the little children who sung this into their brain.

Even if it does me harm, I will put the needs of others before my own.

Jesus never said this.

Instead, Jesus said this:

You shall love (agape) the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength.” The second is this, “You shall love (agape) your neighbour as yourself.” Mark 12:30-31

So love yourself?

Questions

I have two questions for those who have this belief of ‘even if it does me harm.’

Do you know how to love the self?
This raises further questions, such as:
- What is the ‘self’
- Who am I?
- What is my purpose?
- Is there value in me?
- What is love?
- Is ‘self-love’ ok?
Can you give from an empty cup? (the cup being a metaphor of your life)
This also raises further questions, such as:
- What is my cup?
- What fills my cup?
- What drains my cup?
- Who is responsible for my cup?
- How has my ‘self-sacrifice’ affected those especially close to me – my spouse and family?
- How much accumulated harm has gathered in my cup/ body?

Then someone says ‘You need better boundaries.’

You feel a failure and like you have to achieve yet another thing.

I want to say to you this.

‘Better boundaries come from growing an awareness of why you do what you do and learning to set humanly realistic limits.’

We are not all powerful.

We have human limitations to what we can give.

You may need to examine why you do what you do and is it sustainable?

How strong is the belief ‘Even if it does me harm’ in your life?

But what about Jesus?

Didn’t we see Jesus modelling a ‘Even if it does me harm’ belief?

I suppose, in some sense, we can see Jesus being the ultimate martyr.

Jesus died as us. Jesus lived the perfect life so that we don’t have to. (Phew)

But we also see Jesus exhibiting self-care through limiting his exposure to the masses of need.

He slept, he spent time alone, he knew what he was responsible to do and what others had to do. Jesus knew the lines of his human capacity.

I also sometimes say to people, tongue in cheek, that Jesus’ ministry only lasted for 3 years.

I’m drawing a line

I’m drawing a line to say to my ‘self’ that I have limits

I am placing a ring around my ‘self’ as an act of self love and self care

This is what I can do
This is what I can’t do
This is my responsibility
This is their responsibility
This is what I need to let more of into my life
This is what I need to expel

There are some things I will allow in even if it might cause me harm in the short term, but this will not be my lifestyle. I will not be an open door to everyone’s pain.

I am open to receiving things that might do me good. I don’t have to earn them or make them happen. They can be a gift.

I give myself permission to have limits.

Questions?
Comments?
Email me 🙂📨
barry@turningthepage.co.nz

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Quotes to consider

Do I detect the smell of burning martyr? Basil Fawlty (John Cleese) Fawlty towers
Human life must be about more than building boundaries, protecting identities, and teaching impulse control. Richard Rohr
Internalized or toxic shame lethally disgraces us to the point where we have no limits or boundaries. John Bradshaw.
Real self-esteem comes from within; it is the existential, spiritual truth that we have value and worth intrinsically, because we are here and breathing, not because of anything we have or can do, nor how others regard us. Terrence Real

Questions to answer

How does the sentence ‘Even if it does me harm’ connect with your life experience?
Where have you allowed others to take advantage of your generoisty?
How hard is it for you to ‘draw a line’?

Formation exercise

Get a piece of paper and draw a large circle on it. Write in the circle the word ‘I’. Fill the rest of the circle with words about your deepest qualities.