Finding a Lifeline in the Quicksand of Estrangement

Stuck in the quicksand of estrangement? Discover how one mother moved from the agony of ambiguous grief to a miraculous relationship renewal.

This is a guest post by Peggy Phillips who wrote Coping with Ambiguous Loss by Estrangement

After my son went no contact, the quicksand of estrangement engulfed every part of me. But two years later, an unexpected lifeline led to the unanticipated renewal of our relationship.

Three years ago, I shared my experience with ambiguous grief—the pain of an unresolved loss—on the Turning the Page YouTube channel.

I spoke about the unforeseen anguish and isolation of mourning without closure, and the absence of familiar rituals to mark the loss.

Like entrapment in quicksand, the grief of estrangement disempowers, overwhelms, and drains our emotional reserves.

Survival becomes our mission.

In our embattled state of mind, we thrash about in the flurry of conflicting emotions.

We cling to our narrative around the alienation as the last shred of the relationship that is no more.

We stay hypervigilant to contrasting emotions: we stand guard in defense, waiting for the nightmare to worsen, while peering hopelessly into the distance, despairing that the nightmare will end.

Feeling Seen, Heard, and Not Alone in My Suffering

Unlike the loss of a relationship by death, which can be mourned by family and friends, my need for support in the ambiguous grief of estrangement was met only with disdain and dismissal by those whom I thought I could trust.

But when I shared my story in the compassionate presence of Barry on the Turning the Page, I no longer felt alone in my grief.

When You Are Stuck in the Quicksand of Estrangement

So, how can you climb out from the foreboding weight of the ambiguous grief of estrangement? The same way you can get out of quicksand in nature.

Use Tools

Like a pole or branch used as a lifeline in quicksand, resources such as books or websites help you make sense of loss and climb out of grief. Similarly, connecting with friends, support groups, or therapists can help you navigate your journey.

Ambiguous grief is grief in isolation. Seeking material resources may only amplify our sense of isolation because we have no one with whom to share or process our insight.

Likewise, for those who suffer the isolation of ambiguous grief, the “tools” of interpersonal connection are not available because our friends, support groups, and therapists cannot relate to our grief.

Perhaps then, the most valuable “tool” is the gift of nonjudgmental presence from another.

The “presence” of another means they are fully engaged mentally and physically with another person through active listening, genuine curiosity, and emotional awareness, which builds trust.

I didn’t recognize it at the time, but feeling seen and heard in my grief was the “tool” by which I found the self-agency to begin the long, slow extraction from the quicksand of estrangement.

After my story was posted, I noticed an inner calm unknown to me since my son cut me off years ago.

Like a lifeline to someone sinking in quicksand, feeling seen and heard in my struggle shifted my focus from resistance to receptivity- a shift that ultimately allowed for the renewal of my relationship with my son.

Stop Struggling.

When stuck in quicksand, the more you thrash, the tighter its grip and the faster you sink.

Likewise, in grief of estrangement in vain, we combat the “dragons” of our relationship loss – the painful narratives, beliefs, and emotions around the estrangement. But we never find the power to slay them.

Instead of fighting the resistance, be still and reduce the resistance.

Suspend the feverish quest to seek reasons, answers, and plot twists for why the relationship evaporated – fruitless busyness that only yields emotional exhaustion.

For me, it meant I stopped obsessively searching websites, blogs, and other social media seeking insight, answers, and healing; doing so only reactivated my threatened state of mind.

I stopped sinking when I stopped resisting.

Distribute the Weight and “Float” to the Surface

Quicksand allows buoyancy – if we align ourselves to it.

In quicksand, if you lean back, spread your arms, and gently and slowly move your legs, the quicksand “floats” you to the surface, a necessary precursor to unlocking its grip.

Floating to the surface on your back in the quicksand feels vulnerable – especially when you feel alone.

But I discovered this to be a useful metaphor for aligning yourself with the meaning and purpose of your suffering, a necessary precursor for authentic healing, growth, and change.

A few weeks after I shared my story, my daily prayer intention shifted.

Instead of begging God to change my situation, I pleaded for God to change me. And change me he did.

Over the next few months, I examined the estrangement from a more objective viewpoint, which inspired me to look beyond the issue that activated my son’s estrangement and explore other avenues for growth and change.

Remove the Baggage

The rule of thumb when stuck in quicksand is to remove your backpack, if you are wearing one, to reduce the weight.

So too, once I stopped resisting and aligned with my higher power, it was time to remove the heavy baggage -my narratives and beliefs about myself, my son, our relationship.

Instead of trying to rename or repack my narratives, I replaced them with new, more authentic beliefs about who I am.

One day, while in prayer, I was inspired to explore the concept of archetypes – universal symbols and patterns that influence human behavior.

In particular, the archetypes of the “Wise Woman/Crone,” the “Healer,” and the “Mystic” resonate with my journey and who I am.

The “Wise Woman/Crone (derived from the word “crown” or “la corona”) represents knowledge gained through a lifetime of lessons and experience and commands the power to transform the trials of life into the gold of wisdom.

(The Wise Man/”Sage,” or “prophetic healer,” represents the male counterpart to the Crone archetype.)

Emerging From the Quicksand

Once you are able to move, move slowly. Extracting yourself from quicksand is a slow, steady, persistent process.

Rushed, erratic movement only pulls you back in.

Likewise was my emergence from the quicksand of estrangement.

Through months of prayer and intentional focus and purpose, I began to cultivate and nourish these traits that are innately part of who I am.

The Patina of a New Relationship.

Interestingly, about a year after prayer intentions shifted, the dynamic between my son and me began to shift.

One day out of the blue, he called. He’d undergone minor surgery a few days prior and was seeking post-op advice, as I am a nurse.

The call, which began with “I have a quick question, this won’t take but a few minutes,” evolved into a 3-hr conversation.

We never discussed the cataclysmic event that activated the estrangement. (We still haven’t and probably never will.)

After the first few minutes, I intuited he yearned to share what’s been going on in his life since we last spoke more than 2 years prior.

More profoundly, I realized his reaching out was an invitation from my Higher Power to express my archetypal traits: wisdom, spiritual connection to higher truth, and emotional and spiritual healing.

At the outset of our relationship rebuild, I let my son reach out first; sometimes weeks or months passed between contacts.

Over time, our relationship has evolved.

Nearly 4 years later, we’ve reestablished our relationship almost to where it was, but with the patina of a mature husband and father connecting with his mother.

Throughout that time, I have worked to heal and nurture the relationship with the gift of presence through active, compassionate listening and staying attuned to the higher truths in what he shares with me.

The work of Providence

In reflecting on my emergence through the hopeless quicksand of estrangement, I’ve realized the following truth:

The only path forward is the path of self-awareness, growth, and change, with the intention to become a more authentic version of oneself.

I believe the synchronicity by which our relationship was reestablished was none other than the work of Providence: first, the opportunity to share my story, then subsequent quiescence of my struggle, the shift from self-centered prayer to God-centered prayer, the movement from the constricted space of fear to the boundless grace of growth and change.

No doubt, had I not allowed and received the gift of presence from another and the subsequent interior movement toward growth and change during estrangement, I would’ve been ill-prepared for a new relationship with my son when he finally returned.

God’s timing is always perfect. God is good!

Quotes to consider

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. Viktor Frankl – “Man’s Search for Meaning”

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you. Maya Angelou–I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings

The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but on building the new. Socrates (Dan Millman, Way of the Peaceful Warrior)

When the winds of change blow, some people build walls, and others build windmills. Chinese proverb

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death. Anais Nin.

Questions to answer

In your journey of estrangement, no matter whether you are the estranged or the estranger, have you noticed signs inviting you to greater self-awareness, growth, and change? Are you feeling open and receptive to change, and if not, what might be the source of resistance?
Have you found healing or a shift in your mindset or prayer life after sharing your story in the safe presence of another? How has this helped you take steps toward becoming a more authentic version of yourself?
If you are the estranger, have you examined what or who might’ve prompted you to make the decision to estrange? Does the rationale for that decision still hold true, or might there be opportunities for new information that might modify the terms of your estrangement?