Am I Codependent? You Can’t Earn Love Here

It felt like they were trying to earn my approval, my love, my acceptance.

That if they just did things right, then I would give them some sort of a royal nod of approval.

Earned love, I believe, is not really love.

Earned acceptance and approval always has this fear hiding in its shadows that it could be removed at any moment if you get something wrong.

Then there is entitlement. “I’m entitled to love, acceptance, and approval because I did this or that.”

We have in our thinking that to receive something, then it must be earned. There are always strings attached. Strings that could pull the gift away.

You have to be a good boy or girl. Do the work to get the reward. Having this belief gets us into all sorts of demandedness and entitlement.

“If you do this, then I will do that.”

“If I do this, then you are obligated to do that.”

Love has its conditions. Acceptance has its limits. Approval has its laws.

We sacrifice ourselves on the altar of other’s needs and call it love. We crave a little drop of being seen and affirmed. To be acknowledged somewhere by someone for what we have done. For whom we are.

It all feels quite codependent.

• “Codependency is a behavior pattern where we look outside of ourselves for value, worth, and validation, believing that if we can just fix or change someone else, we will finally be safe.” — Dr. Nicole LePera, How to Do the Work

Am I codependent?

I had a rude awakening.

I realised that in some aspects of my life and with some people that I was codependent. That my motivations weren’t totally pure.

But I think we all are to some degree. We can so easily mask up our ‘good works’, but really, inwardly we simply want to be seen and loved by someone.

It’s never enough though, is it. We always crave more, and so can become increasingly manipulative and cunning to get what our heart most needs.

It’s good to see what it is because then we can honestly make some choices to become less codependent and more interdependent.

Attributes of codependency.

Here are some attributes of codependency. See if you can put a hesitant tick next to some of them:

1. Over-Responsibility: I think and feel responsible for other people’s feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, and ultimate destiny.
2. Anxiety & Guilt: I feel anxiety, pity, and guilt when other people have a problem.
3. People-Pleasing: I try to consistently please others even if it is at a personal cost to myself.
4. The Rescue Complex: I feel bored, empty, and worthless if I don’t have a crisis or problem in my life (“Got to have someone to rescue, help, and sacrifice myself to”).
5. Self-Abandonment: I regularly abandon my routine and my daily life to respond to or do something for somebody else.
6. Perfectionism: I feel that I have to do everything perfectly to be accepted or to avoid criticism.
7. Validation Seeking: I constantly need external praise, reassurance, or approval to feel good about myself.
8. Compulsive Apologizing: I am always apologizing, even for things that aren’t my fault (like the weather or someone else’s bad mood).
9. Fear of Rejection: I let others walk all over me because I fear their rejection if I say “no.”

Tick any boxes for you?

That’s ok. As I say, I think we all do it to some degree or another.

I think of the little idiom, “If mama aint happy, then nobody’s happy.” So we, as codependents, have to keep mama happy.

Or what about: “Happy wife, happy life.” Another route to codependency. Surely the happiness of mama, papa, wife, husband, sibling, child, boss etc. is their own responsibility.

Can Christianity promote a kind of codependency?

I wonder whether the way I live my life and the church I attend promote a dependency on getting it right with others. Some of my Christian activities might encourage a codependency on others rather than a dependency on God for ALL my needs.

I do some voluntary work for my local church. People thank me. It feels good. I like that feeling, so I do some more. Even more praise. This receiving worth becomes like an addiction. I want more and more.

This love can seem so “dang sacrificial” too.

• “Codependency studies made us aware that much love is actually not love at all, but its most clever and bogus disguise. So much that is un-love and non-love, and even manipulative “love,” cannot be seen or addressed because it is so dang sacrificial.” — Richard Rohr, Breathing Under Water: Spirituality and the Twelve Steps

When I don’t get it, when I don’t get what I believe I am entitled to, then I might withdraw my ‘kindness’. I look for love in other places. Perhaps if I join the choir, they will give me what I need?

When I become dependent on others to meet a need that God always said that they were to meet, then I lose both first and second things.

• Put first things first and we get second things thrown in: put second things first and we lose both first and second things. C.S. Lewis

They get applause, true, but that’s all they get.

Jesus, I believe, points to some examples of codependency.

• “Be especially careful when you are trying to be good so that you don’t make a performance out of it. It might be good theater, but the God who made you won’t be applauding. When you do something for someone else, don’t call attention to yourself. You’ve seen them in action, I’m sure—‘playactors’ I call them—treating prayer meeting and street corner alike as a stage, acting compassionate as long as someone is watching, playing to the crowds.

  They get applause, true, but that’s all they get. When you help someone out, don’t think about how it looks. Just do it—quietly and unobtrusively. That is the way your God, who conceived you in love, working behind the scenes, helps you out.

  Pray with Simplicity

  “And when you come before God, don’t turn that into a theatrical production either. All these people making a regular show out of their prayers, hoping for fifteen minutes of fame! Do you think God sits in a box seat?

  “Here’s what I want you to do: Find a quiet, secluded place so you won’t be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God, and you will sense his grace.” — Matthew 6:1-6

To be honest, I really like the praise of others, to feel their approval and acceptance. When I don’t get it, then I can feel the cold winds of rejection, the invisibility of an ant, and a pointlessness to life.

But when I know that God, “who conceived me in love”, is “working behind the scenes”, and “applauds my efforts”, well, it’s then that my focus shifts off others and onto God. It’s then that I not only “sense his grace” but also love, approval, and acceptance.

That I don’t need others’ love, approval, or acceptance as I once did.

You can’t earn love here

I think some of you reading this might need to hear this.

You can’t earn love here.

Nothing you do will make you more worthy. Nothing.

It’s a gift. No strings attached.

This love, this approval, this acceptance has no conditions, no rules of pass or fail, no strings to withdraw it back and leave you alone.

You are accepted with all your warts, wounds, and scars.

That’s scary for some. Because they can’t control it. They feel vulnerable. But the purest of pure love, approval, and acceptance is never conditional on behaviour.

God says… I will love you even though you might spit in my face, take all I have, and disown my existence.

You can’t earn love here. It’s a gift.

This love, acceptance, and approval are not based on your doing. It rests in your being.

So what does this mean for the codependent?

It means finding the need you have for love, acceptance, and approval to be found totally in God.

It was once based on ‘getting it right’ with others. Ticking the box of acceptability.

Yes, receiving love, approval, and acceptance is good, but when we make that a god to worship, sacrifice, and be obedient to, then we can so easily become addicted to the siren’s call.

True love is given freely; if you are constantly auditioning for it, you are likely trapped in codependency.

Quotes to consider

• “Codependency is a submission to the needs of others at the expense of one’s own identity.” — Dr. Gabor Maté, When the Body Says No
• “The codependent’s mantra is: ‘If I just love them enough, do enough, or endure enough, I can change the outcome.’ It is the painful delusion that you can control another adult’s destiny.” — Dr. Henry Cloud, Boundaries
• “Codependency is like trying to navigate a ship using someone else’s internal compass. You will always end up lost because you aren’t steering by your own stars.” — Psychology Proverb
• “Codependency is a symptom of a deeply rooted belief that we are not enough just as we are. We must do to be loved, rather than just be.” — Dr. Nicole LePera
• “The Codependent Belief: ‘If I am not getting what I need from someone, I must try harder, perform better, or alter my behavior.'” — Lauren Sapala
• “Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow; it only saps today of its strength.” — A. J. Cronin
• “Some people push me to do better by trying harder. Others draw me to be better by enticing me with an indefinable quality about their lives that seems to grow out of an unusual relationship with Christ, one that really means something.” — Inside Out, Larry Crabb
• “Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.” — Lao Tzu
• ““What will others think?” is a symptom of a disease called “living our lives through other people’s eyes”. It’s time to get properly centred.” — David Riddell
• “When one partner in a co-dependent relationship embarks on a journey of personal growth, the other person is forced to make some choices.” — David Riddell
• “There is always a chance that he who sets himself up as his brother’s keeper will end up by being his jail-keeper.” — Eric Hoffer

Further reading

• The 100% Perfect Gift for an Approval Junkie
• Better Boundaries?
• 6 Markers of Healthy Spirituality for Mental Health

Barry Pearman