Who Are the Five People Shaping Your Life and Faith Today

Who are the Five people you spend the most time with? They will be the ones who have the most influence over you.

Your “circle of five” is the small group of people — family, friends, colleagues, even the podcasters and authors you follow — who shape your thinking, habits, and outlook the most.

Author Jim Rohn summed this up as “you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”

If that circle discourages your growth, values, or faith, the Bible and psychology both point to the same solution: change who you’re spending your time with.

Her response to a betrayal of friendship has probably helped thousands of others get a better group of friends.

A Story That Went Viral

A viral TikTok video showed how one act of exclusion by a “friend group” led to a young woman finding a healthier community instead — a real-world example of choosing a better circle of five.

The other day I was listening to a podcast from Simon Sinek where he interviewed Marissa Meizz.

A young man, Drew Harding, happened to be on his lunch break, and while walking through Central Park New York, he overheard two young ladies discussing how they were planning a party but that it had to be on a day when their ‘friend’ Marissa was not going to be in town.

He couldn’t believe what he was hearing, so he posted a video telling the story and hoping to connect with Marissa to tell her she needed to find a better group of friends.

News coverage of Drew Harding's viral video about overhearing Marissa Meizz's friends excluding her

The video went viral in the quest to find her. Eventually, Marissa saw it, and she and Drew connected. They are now friends.

The next chapter is incredible. Marissa didn’t turn bitter; instead, she used the fame of this viral story to help lonely people connect. No More Lonely Friends was created, running meetups where strangers can come and make new friends. Many who attend have had moments of being rejected.

Have you experienced rejection? Perhaps a betrayal by people you thought were on your side. Gossip slips around and stabs you in the back. You’re alone, deeply alone. You feel abandoned and lost.

No one ‘gets you,’ and there is no desire for community with your soul. It’s loneliness and rejection and betrayal and loss all rolled up into one big ball of pus.

Do you know what that’s like? Or maybe the relationships you’re in simply aren’t a source of encouragement toward what matters most to you.

You Are the Average of Five

The “average of five” idea, popularized by author Jim Rohn, holds that the people you spend the most time with shape your habits, mindset, and outlook more than almost anything else.

A few years ago, I heard this quote:

You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. — Jim Rohn

Immediately I’m sure you’ve gone to thinking about who you spend most of your time with — family, friends, work colleagues, church people, and so on.

There is a lot of truth in this saying. I’m not sure it could be proven in any researched manner, but the people around us influence us. They shape us by their words and actions, their encouragement and discouragement. They mentor us into a mold of normality.

As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another. — Proverbs 27:17

Often when I’m having a conversation with someone, I’ll hear them refer to a family member or friend, and I hear the powerful — often negative — influence this person has over them.

If it’s a friend, I might suggest they look for a better friend, much like Marissa Meizz did. Not so easy when it’s a spouse or family member, but we can learn how to detach in a healthy way and set lines of love and respect (boundaries).

Jesus Left, and So Did Abram

Both Jesus and Abram left their hometowns and families of origin to step into a new identity and calling — a biblical pattern for leaving behind an influence that no longer serves your growth.

I remember when I left home at eighteen. Into my little Mini, I piled all my clothes and things and headed off to Palmerston North to begin an adventure.

I was going to start a University course in Agriculture. I left my small country hometown and farm and traveled eight hours to a new place of influence.

It was one of the best things I ever did. I got out from under the influence of small-town thinking into a new group of friends — people who saw my potential and encouraged me. If I had stayed home, this blog and the ministry probably never would have happened.

Rejected in Nazareth

Jesus left his hometown of Nazareth, and when he returned, he was rejected. He wasn’t the same man anymore. They couldn’t box him into their small-town normality.

He left there and returned to his hometown. His disciples came along.

On the Sabbath, he gave a lecture in the meeting place. He stole the show, impressing everyone.

“We had no idea he was this good!” they said. “How did he get so wise all of a sudden, get such ability?”

But in the next breath they were cutting him down: “He’s just a carpenter — Mary’s boy. We’ve known him since he was a kid. We know his brothers, James, Justus, Jude, and Simon, and his sisters. Who does he think he is?”

They tripped over what little they knew about him and fell, sprawling. And they never got any further.

Jesus told them, “A prophet has little honor in his hometown, among his relatives, on the streets he played in as a child.”

Jesus wasn’t able to do much of anything there — he laid hands on a few sick people and healed them, that’s all. He couldn’t get over their stubbornness. He left and made a circuit of the other villages, teaching. — Mark 6:1-6

Abram’s Call to Leave

The Lord had said to Abram, “Go from your country, your people, and your father’s household to the land I will show you.” — Genesis 12:1

This wasn’t just a calling to move to another country. It was an invitation to leave a culture, a society, a normality, an influence. It was a stretching of Abram’s wings to learn how to fly in a new way.

Choosing Your Influencers

Your “circle of five” doesn’t have to be limited to people you know in person — the writers, podcasters, and teachers you regularly consume can shape you just as much.

Who are you, and where do you want to go? That’s the question everyone has to answer.

As a writer and online pastor, I surround myself with influencers who fill my life with encouragement. I’ve expanded Jim Rohn’s quote to include the writers, podcasters, and influencers in my field.

I spend a lot of time reading and engaging with their content — probably more ‘influencing time’ shaping my brain than I spend with people in the flesh.

I listen to an audio Bible podcast every day. I want that influence.
I have an audio version of my Thinking Compass. I want that influence.
My desk is covered, and my Kindle is full of books from my influencers. I share little quotes via social media. I want that influence.

When I write, I often think it sounds just like my favorite author. 😊

They’re Probably Going to Reject You

When you outgrow the people in your current circle of five, expect resistance — even rejection — from the very people you’d hope would celebrate the change.

I’m sorry to have to say this, but those in your old group of five influencers — family, friends, church, etc. — are probably not going to like or support the new you. They may even completely reject the new you.

Jesus’ township tried to throw him off a cliff. A sign of things to come. Yet he was only revealing the fullness of being under the influence of God.

Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces. — Matthew 7:6

Often in my conversations, I suggest that the people they’re hoping for validation and approval from — typically family members — are most likely not going to be cheerleaders.

We present them something beautiful, sacred, a pearl of great worth and value to us, and they shoot us down. They critique with harshness, point out the flaws, remind us of our failures, and trample the pearl into the mud slurry they’re sitting in. We feel torn to pieces. They are the hometown villagers of Jesus’ time.

You need a better group of friends — people who know a good pearl when they see it. Mother Teresa might say to you, ‘What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.’

My encouragement is to find a group of fellow pearl lovers and build relationships of influence with them:

Musicians need musicians
Writers need writers
Cricket players need cricket players
Cardmakers need card makers

They’re probably going to be the ones to accept you and enjoy the pearl of your creation.

Oh, and please don’t trample on others’ pearls. Others may have a passionate excitement about ancient medieval tapestry, and it’s just not your thing — but show interest in their excitement. Endorse its validity and importance to them. Find the beauty and purpose, and it might just influence your own life in unexpected ways.

Your Vibe, Your Tribe

“Your vibe attracts your tribe” means the values and energy you put out into the world tend to draw in people who share them — a natural way to build a healthier circle of five.

Here’s another saying: Your vibe attracts your tribe.

Who you are and how you operate in this world will attract similar people to yourself. As a practical demonstration, when I’m reading a book and find a quote I really like, I’ll share it on social media. Other people who like similar authors will comment, share, and like my little quotes. I form a tribe — a group of people who influence.

Make this a habit, and you’ll soon find friends who will be good influencers to you, and you to them.

It’s over to you now. Who are the five people you spend the most time with, and are they helping you go where you want to go?

Quotes to Consider

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.
— Mother Teresa

Real encouragement occurs when words are spoken from a heart of love to another’s recognized fear. — Larry Crabb

Choose well whom you spend time with, for you will always become like them in some measure. Is that the outcome you want? — D. Riddell

A vision we give to others of who and what they could become has power when it echoes what the spirit has already spoken into their souls. — Larry Crabb

Frequently Asked Questions

Who are the five people that have the most influence over you?
They’re usually the people you spend the most unstructured time with by default — family, close friends, and coworkers — rather than people you’ve deliberately chosen for their positive influence. Naming them explicitly is the first step to evaluating whether that circle is helping or hurting you.

What role does fear of judgment play in staying in an unhealthy circle?
Fear of what others will think often keeps people in draining relationships longer than is healthy, because leaving can feel like betrayal or risk rejection. Recognizing this fear as a pattern — rather than a fact about your worth — is often the turning point toward change.

What does it look like to leave negative influencers behind, the way Jesus did?
It doesn’t necessarily mean cutting people off entirely — it can mean setting firm boundaries, limiting time and vulnerability with people who consistently tear you down, and intentionally investing more time in relationships that encourage your growth and faith.

Who are the Five people you spend the most time with?

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