Who are the five people you spend the most time with? They will be the ones who have the most influence over you.
Quick answer: Your “circle of five” is the small group of people (family, friends, colleagues, even the podcasters and authors you follow) who shape your thinking, habits, and outlook the most. If that circle discourages your growth, values, or faith, both the Bible and psychology point to the same solution: change who you spend your time with.
Author Jim Rohn summed this up as “you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”
On this page
- You Are the Average of Five
- Jesus Left, and So Did Abram
- Choosing Your Influencers
- They’re Probably Going to Reject You
- Frequently Asked Questions
A Story That Went Viral
A viral TikTok video showed how one act of exclusion by a “friend group” led a young woman to find a healthier community instead. Her response to that betrayal of friendship has probably helped thousands of others find a better group of friends.
The other day I was listening to a Simon Sinek podcast interview with Marissa Meizz.
A young man, Drew Harding, happened to be on his lunch break, and while walking through Central Park, New York, he overheard two young women discussing a party they were planning. It had to be on a day when their “friend” Marissa was not going to be in town.
He couldn’t believe what he was hearing, so he posted a video telling the story, hoping to connect with Marissa and tell her she needed a better group of friends.
The video went viral in the quest to find her. Eventually Marissa saw it, and she and Drew connected. They are now friends.
The next chapter is incredible. Marissa didn’t turn bitter. Instead, she used the fame of this viral story to help lonely people connect. No More Lonely Friends was created, running meetups where strangers can come and make new friends. Many who attend have had moments of being rejected.
Have you experienced rejection? Perhaps a betrayal by people you thought were on your side. Gossip slips around and stabs you in the back. You’re alone, deeply alone. You feel abandoned and lost.
No one “gets you,” and there is no desire for community with your soul. It’s loneliness and rejection and betrayal and loss all rolled up into one big ball of pus.
Do you know what that’s like? Or maybe the relationships you’re in simply aren’t a source of encouragement toward what matters most to you.
You Are the Average of Five
The “average of five” idea, popularised by author Jim Rohn, holds that the people you spend the most time with shape your habits, mindset, and outlook more than almost anything else.
A few years ago, I heard this quote:
I’m sure you’ve immediately started thinking about who you spend most of your time with: family, friends, work colleagues, church people, and so on.
There is a lot of truth in this saying. I’m not sure it could be proven in any researched manner, but the people around us influence us. They shape us by their words and actions, their encouragement and discouragement. They mentor us into a mould of normality.
Often when I’m having a conversation with someone, I’ll hear them refer to a family member or friend, and I hear the powerful, often negative, influence this person has over them.
If it’s a friend, I might suggest they look for a better friend, much like Marissa Meizz did. It’s not so easy when it’s a spouse or family member, but we can learn how to detach in a healthy way and set lines of love and respect (boundaries).
Jesus Left, and So Did Abram
Both Jesus and Abram left their hometowns and families of origin to step into a new identity and calling. It’s a biblical pattern for leaving behind an influence that no longer serves your growth.
I remember when I left home at eighteen. I piled all my clothes and things into my little Mini and headed off to Palmerston North to begin an adventure.
I was going to start a university course in agriculture. I left my small country hometown and farm and travelled eight hours to a new place of influence.
It was one of the best things I ever did. I got out from under the influence of small-town thinking and into a new group of friends: people who saw my potential and encouraged me. If I had stayed home, this blog and this ministry probably never would have happened.
Rejected in Nazareth
Jesus left his hometown of Nazareth, and when he returned, he was rejected. He wasn’t the same man anymore. They couldn’t box him into their small-town normality. (I’ve written more about what to do when you’ve been put in a box.)
He left there and returned to his hometown. His disciples came along. On the Sabbath, he gave a lecture in the meeting place. He stole the show, impressing everyone. “We had no idea he was this good!” they said. “How did he get so wise all of a sudden, get such ability?”
But in the next breath they were cutting him down: “He’s just a carpenter—Mary’s boy. We’ve known him since he was a kid. We know his brothers, James, Justus, Jude, and Simon, and his sisters. Who does he think he is?” They tripped over what little they knew about him and fell, sprawling. And they never got any further.
Jesus told them, “A prophet has little honor in his hometown, among his relatives, on the streets he played in as a child.” Jesus wasn’t able to do much of anything there—he laid hands on a few sick people and healed them, that’s all. He couldn’t get over their stubbornness. He left and made a circuit of the other villages, teaching. — Mark 6:1-6 (MSG)
Abram’s Call to Leave
This wasn’t just a calling to move to another country. It was an invitation to leave a culture, a society, a normality, an influence. It was a stretching of Abram’s wings to learn how to fly in a new way.
Choosing Your Influencers
Your circle of five doesn’t have to be limited to people you know in person. The writers, podcasters, and teachers you regularly listen to can shape you just as much.
Who are you, and where do you want to go? That’s the question everyone has to answer.
As a writer and online pastor, I surround myself with influencers who fill my life with encouragement. I’ve expanded Jim Rohn’s quote to include the writers, podcasters, and influencers in my field.
I spend a lot of time reading and engaging with their content, probably more “influencing time” shaping my brain than I spend with people in the flesh.
- I listen to an audio Bible podcast every day. I want that influence.
- I have an audio version of my Thinking Compass for the brain. I want that influence.
- My desk is covered, and my Kindle is full of books from my influencers. I share little quotes on social media. I want that influence.
When I write, I often think it sounds just like my favourite author. 😊
They’re Probably Going to Reject You
When you outgrow the people in your current circle of five, expect resistance, even rejection, from the very people you’d hope would celebrate the change.
I’m sorry to have to say this, but those in your old group of five influencers (family, friends, church, and so on) are probably not going to like or support the new you. They may even completely reject the new you. If that’s where you are, read how God gathers you up when you feel rejected.
Jesus’ township tried to throw him off a cliff (Luke 4:29-30). It was a sign of things to come. Yet he was only revealing the fullness of being under the influence of God.
Often in my conversations, I suggest that the people they’re hoping for validation and approval from (typically family members) are most likely not going to be cheerleaders.
We present them something beautiful, sacred, a pearl of great worth and value to us, and they shoot us down. They critique with harshness, point out the flaws, remind us of our failures, and trample the pearl into the mud slurry they’re sitting in. We feel torn to pieces. They are the hometown villagers of Jesus’ time. (More on this in throwing pearls to pigs and finding safe people.)
You need a better group of friends: people who know a good pearl when they see it. As the well-known saying often attributed to Mother Teresa puts it, “What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.”
My encouragement is to find a group of fellow pearl lovers and build relationships of influence with them:
- Musicians need musicians
- Writers need writers
- Cricket players need cricket players
- Cardmakers need cardmakers
They’re probably going to be the ones to accept you and enjoy the pearl of your creation.
Oh, and please don’t trample on others’ pearls. Someone may have a passionate excitement about ancient medieval tapestry, and it’s just not your thing, but show interest in their excitement. Endorse its validity and importance to them. Find the beauty and purpose, and it might just influence your own life in unexpected ways.
Your Vibe Attracts Your Tribe
“Your vibe attracts your tribe” means the values and energy you put out into the world tend to draw in people who share them. It’s a natural way to build a healthier circle of five.
Who you are and how you operate in this world will attract people similar to yourself. As a practical demonstration, when I’m reading a book and find a quote I really like, I’ll share it on social media. Other people who like similar authors will comment, share, and like my little quotes. I form a tribe: a group of people who influence.
Make this a habit, and you’ll soon find friends who will be good influencers to you, and you to them.
It’s over to you now. Who are the five people you spend the most time with, and are they helping you go where you want to go?
Quotes to Consider
- People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.
— Often attributed to Mother Teresa (adapted from Kent M. Keith’s “Paradoxical Commandments”) - Real encouragement occurs when words are spoken from a heart of love to another’s recognized fear. — Larry Crabb
- Choose well whom you spend time with, for you will always become like them in some measure. Is that the outcome you want? — David Riddell
- A vision we give to others of who and what they could become has power when it echoes what the spirit has already spoken into their souls. — Larry Crabb
Frequently Asked Questions
Who are the five people that have the most influence over you?
They’re usually the people you spend the most unstructured time with by default (family, close friends, and coworkers) rather than people you’ve deliberately chosen for their positive influence. Naming them explicitly is the first step to evaluating whether that circle is helping or hurting you.
What role does fear of judgment play in staying in an unhealthy circle?
Fear of what others will think often keeps people in draining relationships longer than is healthy, because leaving can feel like betrayal or risk rejection. Recognising this fear as a pattern, rather than a fact about your worth, is often the turning point toward change.
What does it look like to leave negative influences behind, the way Jesus did?
It doesn’t necessarily mean cutting people off entirely. It can mean setting firm boundaries, limiting time and vulnerability with people who consistently tear you down, and intentionally investing more time in relationships that encourage your growth and faith. If a family member is the source, see how to set boundaries with a toxic family member.
Further Reading
- We All Need a Batman: The Power of Loyal Friendship in Tough Times — We all face life’s battles, but we can’t do it alone. Discover the historic role of the “batman” and why loyal friendship changes everything.
- I Want to Stir You Up — Stop trying to follow rigid rules. Discover how a deeper knowing of your personal identity naturally creates healthy relationship boundaries.
- We All Need a Third Place for Our Mental Health — There’s work, home, & loneliness but what about a “third place”? Discover Ray Oldenburg’s concept of community spaces how to build a space
- Have You Been Put In A Box? — Break free from the boxes others build for you. Discover how God enters your confinement to explode the walls of judgment from the inside out
- Stop the Dumping: How to Set Boundaries With Toxic People — Were you the family scapegoat? Learn why worth comes before boundaries and a simple script to stop verbal abuse.
- There is No Rejection in God — Find true comfort from the icy sting of human rejection by discovering a safe, unconditional home in God’s arms and relational nests.
About the author
Since 1995, Barry Pearman has worked as a mental health support worker, community chaplain, and pastor, and has walked through depression himself. His training includes SoulCare Foundations under Dr Larry Crabb, a Bachelor of Applied Theology, spiritual direction training, and certificates in CBT interventions, pastoral therapy, and integrated mental health care. Turning the Page offers a grace-filled path to mental wholeness through faith and hope.
Photo by Guy Kawasaki on Unsplash
