18 Insights to Heal the Shame of an Attempted Suicide

Shame after a suicide attempt can cling to you long after the crisis has passed. These 18 insights offer a gentler way through — for you, or for someone you love.

The shame of an attempt at suicide can cling onto you like the odour of some dirty old socks. You would do anything to get rid of that stench. Is that a good description of shame?

That feeling of embarrassment at what you have done. You want to hide, run, cover it up, but it’s still there. Those smelly old socks still stink.

In this post:

• Why shame follows a suicide attempt
• Be curious, not condemning
• 18 insights to heal the shame
• Quotes to consider
• Where to get help now

Why Shame Follows a Suicide Attempt

Recently I was asked a question by one of the readers of Turning the Page about how to help someone who had recently attempted suicide. In the midst of their crisis, they had posted their intentions on social media. Now they had a deep sense of shame and embarrassment. They feared that people would treat them differently.

So how would you help someone like this? (If the crisis is still unfolding, start with these 6 keys to helping someone who is suicidal.)

Be Curious, Not Condemning

Too many times we are quick to offer advice. We come across as though we know better. This can easily be interpreted as us thinking we are better than them, and their self-worth takes yet another hit.

Instead, when we are gently curious, we create a bridge between one failing human and another failing human. Communication flows and trust develops. Gentle, open-ended questions create a dialogue of empathy. This is what it means to sit with someone’s shame in solidarity rather than standing over it.

18 Insights to Heal the Shame of an Attempted Suicide

In your conversations, you might like to use some of the insights below to prompt dialogue. You may also like to write some of them out for ongoing reference. These are ideas that encourage the mind to think through the issues.

Let Go of the “Shoulds”

1. S.H.A.M.E. is Should Have Already Mastered Everything: Do any of us ever master everything?
2. Replace your “should” with “could”: If I keep “shoulding” all over myself, I will keep myself locked into a septic whirlpool of misery. Discover the world of having options. “I could have done this…”
3. Mastering requires learning: It takes new knowledge and wisdom over a lifetime. Are you open to learning and becoming a master of your own life?
4. You don’t know what you don’t know: So it’s time to learn. Are you OK with that?

Make Sense of What Happened

5. Contextualise your past choices: The choices you made back then were based on various influences that were happening at THAT time and not necessarily now. What were those influences?
6. Open the door to self-forgiveness: More knowledge and understanding of ourselves helps. “Oh, so my brain was physically unwell and I didn’t even realise it?” Responsibility and absolute forgiveness belong together.
7. Mental health is fragile: We all have it, and it is a fragile thing.
8. Handle stress differently: Everyone handles stress differently. I can learn new skills, knowledge, and wisdom that will help me when the darkness comes.

Hold On Through the Dark

9. Stay on the train: There will always be dark tunnels, but it does not mean I have to leap off the train. I can get help.
10. Look for the ladder: There is a ladder for my pit, and there is someone who can help me climb it. (My free guide, A Ladder Out of Your Depression Dark Hole, is a good place to start.)
11. This despair is not permanent.
12. Regret can be good. Rumination can be bad: Regret helps us learn; rumination keeps past failures ever before us.

Speak Kindly on the Inside

13. Control your inner dialogue: You can’t control what others think of you; you can only control what you think about yourself. So speak kindness to yourself.
14. Be kind to yourself and others: For everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.

When Others React

15. True friends offer unconditional love: They offer love and respect regardless of what you have done.
16. Their response is their responsibility.
17. Observe their reactions objectively: Their response to you may tell you more about them than it does about you. They may well have their own shame and guilt issues going on (e.g., that they didn’t intervene early enough). Forgive them, for they didn’t know what they were doing.
18. Invite a bigger story: Ask questions that explore their story and help them to engage in a bigger story than this one moment.

Quotes to Consider

• “Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.” — Brené Brown
• “If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.” — Brené Brown
• “Let the wise listen and add to their learning.” — Proverbs 1:5

Where to Get Help Now

If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out. In New Zealand:

• Emergency: call 111
• Need to talk? Call or text 1737, any time
• Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO)
• Lifeline: 0800 543 354 or free text 4357 (HELP)
• Depression Helpline: 0800 111 757 or free text 4202
• Youthline: 0800 376 633 or free text 234

Outside New Zealand, please contact your local emergency number or crisis line.

Questions to Reflect On

Answer in the comments below, or anonymously.

1. What role does shame play in your life?
2. What would you add to the list above?
3. What is easier: to listen and ask questions, or to speak and offer advice? Why?

Do you struggle with depression? I would like to give you my free ebook, Out of the Darkness. Just fill in the sign-up box below and I will send it to you.

Further Reading

• 6 Keys To Helping Someone Who Is Suicidal
• Sitting with Shame
• Absolute Responsibility Needs Absolute Forgiveness
• My Sin is Ever Before Me
• I Want to Die – 530,000 Google Searches per Month
• How to Overcome Anxiety Through Solidarity: I Am With You
• Why Paul’s “Fruitful Labour” Is a Great Antidote to Suicide
• I’m an All Black and I’m OK

Image: Greyson Joralemon