18 Insights to Heal the Shame of an Attempted Suicide

The shame of an attempt at suicide can cling onto you like the odor of some dirty old socks. You would do anything to get rid of that stench. Is that a good description of shame?

That feeling of embarrassment at what you have done. You want to hide, run, cover it up, but it’s still there. Those smelly old socks still stink.

Recently I was asked a question by one of the readers of Turning the Page about how to help someone who had recently attempted suicide. In the midst of their crisis, they had posted their intentions out on Social Media. Now they had a deep sense of shame and embarrassment. They feared that people would treat them differently.

So how would you help someone like this?

Healing the Shame of an Attempted Suicide

Here are some thoughts.

Be curious not condemning

Too many times we are quick to offer advice. We come across as we know better. This can be easily interpreted that we are better than them. The self-worth takes yet another hit.

Instead, when we are gently curious we create a bridge between one failing human and another failing human. Communication flows and trust develops. The gentle open-ended questions create a dialogue of empathy.

A lot of the time you are one or two questions away from very interesting fascinating things. But what happens is that we skip right on by it. There is a world of interesting insights and understanding just below the surface of most interactions and most people just skip right on by.

Empower the healing with insights

In your discussion, you might like to use some of the insights listed below to prompt dialogue. You may also like to write some of them out for ongoing reference. These are ideas that encourage the mind to think through the issues.

Here are some you might like to consider using:

• S.H.A.M.E. is Should Have Already Mastered Everything: Do any of us ever master everything?
• Replace your ‘Should’ with ‘Could’: If I keep ‘shoulding’ all over myself, I will keep myself locked into a septic whirlpool of misery. Discover the world of having options. ‘I could have done this…’
• Mastering requires a learning: It takes new knowledge and wisdom over a lifetime. Are you open to learning and becoming a master of your own life?
• Contextualize your past choices: The choices you made back then were based on various influences that were happening at THAT time and not necessarily now. What were those influences?
• Open the door to self-forgiveness: More knowledge and understanding of ourselves helps. ‘Oh, so my brain was physically unwell and I didn’t even realize it?’
• Handle stress differently: Everyone handles stress differently. I can learn new skills, knowledge, and wisdom that will help me when the darkness comes.
• Stay on the train: There will always be dark tunnels, but it does not mean I have to leap off the train. I can get help.
• Look for the ladder: There is a ladder for my pit, and there is someone who can help me climb it.
• This despair is not permanent.
• Regret can be good. Rumination can be bad.
• Mental health is fragile: We all have it, and it is a fragile thing.
• Be kind to yourself and others: For everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.
• You don’t know what you don’t know: So it’s time to learn. You Ok with that?
• Control your inner dialogue: You can’t control what others think of you, you can only control what you think about yourself. So speak kindness to yourself.
• True friends offer unconditional love: They offer love and respect regardless of what you have done.
• Their response is their responsibility.
• Observe their reactions objectively: Their response to you may tell you more about them than it does about you. They may well have their own shame and guilt issues going on (e.g., that they didn’t intervene early enough). Forgive them for they didn’t know what they were doing.

Invite questions that explore their story and help them to engage in a bigger story.

Quotes to Consider

• “Courage starts with showing up and letting ourselves be seen.” — Brené Brown
• “If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.” — Brené Brown
• “Let the wise listen and add to their learning” — Proverbs 1:5

Questions to answer and leave a comment below or anonymously

1. What role does shame play in your life?
2. What would you add to the list above?
3. What is easier: to listen and ask questions or to speak and offer advice? Why?

Barry Pearman

Image cc: Greyson Joralemon

Do you struggle with Depression? I would like to give you my free ebook ‘Out of the Darkness’. Just fill in the sign-up box below and I will send it to you.

Further Reading

• Why Pauls ‘Fruitful Labour’ is a great antidote to suicide
• 6 Keys To Helping Someone Who Is Suicidal
• I’m an All Black and I’m Ok