The Bias to Retain Sin. Unforgiveness

We have a bias to hold on to things. To retain the hurts, but Jesus asks us to forgive. Perhaps we do this in little steps of vulnerability.

Many years ago, I held a lot of unforgiveness toward someone. I retained it and it grew.

Eventually, I had to choose whether to forgive them or to hold on to the grievances.

He didn’t know I was angry with him. That I was disappointed, lost, and that I had hopes he would give to me something I needed – encouragement.

But it was there, and it was consuming my life.

I was holding on to it. Tight.

That was until I prayed for him and for me. That God would help me forgive and see things the way God saw them.

I prayed and through various ways I learned something of his history that explained some of his behaviours and how he was able to give to me what I needed.

He had wounds and scars. I prayed more for him than myself. Twenty years later, I still pray for him whenever I feel prompted.

Compassion for him flowed.

I was able to release what I had chosen to retain.

If you retain the sins of any, they are retained

As I write this, the previous Sunday was the Sunday after Easter.

One of the readings in our Church service was about when the resurrected Jesus entered a locked room and met with his disciples.

Here is the section that grabbed me.

When he had said this, he breathed on them and said to them, ‘Receive the Holy Spirit.
If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained.’ John 20:22, 23

What a beautiful moment.

To feel the breath of a resurrected Jesus float over your face.

It’s interesting to note that the very first direction to his disciples was about relationships.

Forgiveness.

There was possibly some blaming and looking at each other with disdain. But here Jesus says to forgive and not to retain.

Interesting words here.

Forgive, aphiémi in the greek, means “to send” or “to let go”.

Retain, krateó in the greek, means to seize, hold, take hold of, grasp, retain, keep. Further inferences – I am strong, mighty, hence: I rule, am master, prevail; I obtain, take hold of; I hold, hold fast.

This word ‘retain’ has its origin in the Greek word κράτος (kratos), meaning “strength” or “power.”

When you read these definitions, you see the vast difference in energy. Forgiveness is energy releasing. Retaining is energy constraining and consuming.

I think of some of the huge retaining walls I have seen. Massive posts and walls, engineered design for strength and to last centuries. All to hold back the power of gravity pushing soil and water.

They are an engineering feat.

But retaining walls were never meant for the human heart. Hearts crumble, crush, die, and harden under that strain.

For the hardened heart, it might be considered to be like a tight fist.

Fingers and thumb. Muscles tightening and holding it in. Anger, disappointment, rage.

Whereas, in complete contrast, forgiveness is like an open hand.

Free, no muscle tightness or constraint.

An open hand letting the stones you want to throw at others drop to the ground.

This was the invite of Jesus.

Do you want to have a tight, constrained life where you retain grievances?

If you retain the sins of any, they are retained. John 20:23

Or do you want to have a free life where there is an openness and freedom to both give and receive?

“Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” Matthew 11:28-30

Sin is not a distance

I like this definition of what sin is.

Sin is not a distance, it is a turning of our gaze in the wrong direction. Simone Weil, Waiting for God

It captures both the obvious and profound deviations away from God’s best but also the minute and barely imperceptible shifts of focus.

Bringing this to the passage of Jesus talking about retaining the sins of any, we see that Jesus was talking about holding on to both the major inflictions and the seemingly minor paper cuts of relational life.

It’s the little words said decades ago that we have a bias to retain and allow to fester and form a stinking rotten place in the soul.

Jesus says ‘Forgive’.

We say ‘How’?

Purify yourself

I was listening to 1 John 3:1-3 this morning in my Lectio Divina

All who have this hope in him purify themselves, just as he is pure. 1 John 3:1-3

This is a stark and uncomfortable directive.

We are to purify ourselves.

This is something that I cannot do in completeness. Only Jesus can do that, but there is a directive to be honest before a loving God to where I have sinned.

To where I have ‘retained’ and not forgiven.

It reminds me of the fourth step of the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous

4. Make a searching and fearless moral inventory of yourself.

It’s the penitent David

You desire truth in the inward being;
therefore teach me wisdom in my secret heart.
Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. Psalm 51:6-7

Each Sunday in the Anglican church I attend, I hear the words below (or similar)

Merciful God,
we have sinned in what we have thought and said,
in the wrong we have done
and in the good we have not done.
We have sinned in ignorance:
we have sinned in weakness:
we have sinned through our own deliberate fault.
We are truly sorry.
We repent and turn to you.
Forgive us, for our Saviour Christ’s sake,
and renew our lives to the glory of your name. Amen.

The priest then steps to the front and declares these words over the needy.

THE ABSOLUTION
Through the Cross of Christ, God have mercy on you,
pardon you and set you free. Know that you are forgiven and be at peace.
God strengthen you in all goodness and keep you in life eternal.
Amen.

I always watch my vicar as she says, ‘Know that you are forgiven.’

I do a quick ‘searching and fearless moral inventory’ and see if there is anything I am retaining that I need to release. There is always something. 🙂

I will retain

I will retain

I hold it tight
I won’t let go
It gives me power
Over others, you know

I retain it
I hold it in
To forgive them
Feels like a sin

I hold it
It holds me
Sticky Gollum fingers
Heart never to be free

I will retain
I will hold it in
But there is a quiet sadness
Sitting deep within

Open the fingers
Millimetre at a time
Feel my calm compassion
Breathing into thine

I know all you’ve been through
The pain you’ve suffered long
Share your pain with me
I will listen to lament song

Open the grip
Let vengeful desire slide
See the broken world like I see
Dove of forgiveness glide

I know so much more
Things both small and grand
I love the man who drove
The nails in my hand

They’ve hurt me deep lord
Cuts deep into my soul
I hand my demand for justice
To you who know the whole

Fingers open
Grip is gone
Feel the pain slide away
Compassion sings its song

Questions?

Comments?

Email me 🙂📨 barry@turningthepage.co.nz

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Quotes to consider

You cannot heal what you do not first acknowledge. Richard Rohr. Breathing Under Water: Spirituality and the Twelve Steps
Perhaps we tend to believe in the hard work of forgiveness more than we believe in or expect it as a miracle of grace. It is so hard to trust that you have truly been forgiven. Robert Harvey & David Benner Choosing the Gift of Forgiveness.
Forgiveness takes brokenness seriously and affirms that guilt is real, but also affirms that guilt is not the last word. Robert Harvey & David Benner Choosing the Gift of Forgiveness.
To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you. C.S. Lewis
There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love. Bryant H. McGill
If we really want to love we must learn how to forgive. Mother Teresa
Redeemed pain is more impressive than removed pain. Philip Yancey — Redeemed Pain
Those who do not turn to face their pain are prone to impose it. Terrence Real
If we cannot find a way to make our wounds into sacred wounds, we invariably become cynical, negative, or bitter. This is the storyline of many of the greatest novels, myths, and stories of every culture. If we do not transform our pain, we will most assuredly transmit it—usually to those closest to us: our family, our neighbors, our co-workers, and, invariably, the most vulnerable, our children. Richard Rohr
To pray and actually mean ‘thy Kingdom come,’ we must also be able to say ‘my kingdoms go.’ Richard Rohr

Questions to answer

Why does the bias to retain exist?
In the poem above, what words grabbed you the most and why?
What have you retained and how much energy does it sap from you to maintain its grip?

Formation exercise

For the next week, read the prayer and poem above and be open to God speaking to you about anything you might be retaining. Ask for your fingers to be gently opened.