Let’s Rethink the Word ‘Boundary’

I struggle with the word ‘Boundary.’

Not because I don’t believe in the concept of boundaries or because I don’t think they are important.  It’s just that the word ‘Boundary’ doesn’t convey any sense of relationship value.

The word ‘boundary’ feels like it’s all about the one making the boundary and not about a relationship offered.

When I was a child, I grew up on a farm, and we had boundary fences between ourselves and our neighbors. These were post and wire fences marking where our ownership was limited.

It was there, it was solid, marked out, and the relationship was defined. This is where we had responsibility and control, and this is where they had responsibility and control.

I think though the word ‘boundary’ has become a word of self-centredness—a word that is all about one’s own need for security and control.

We need to go deeper into a relational balancing of the concept.

What is the relational significance of a boundary?

Perhaps an example might help to explain.

I drive through a small town often. As I approach the town, there is a sign with a big ’50’ on it. This tells me that there is a boundary imposed on this area by our lawmakers that I am only allowed to travel up to 50 kilometers an hour.

Faster than that, and I have broken a boundary limitation.

Its law, a legal boundary. It’s declared, and I must comply.

But why is it there?

Are the imposers speed haters, are they picking on me, do they want me to be late. I can become very narcissistic about the boundary and believe it’s all about me.

However, that boundary was set up out of concern for the safety of the people living in the township. By driving through the township at wild and reckless speeds, there is no concern shown for the people’s safety and well-being.

Out of love and respect for them, I slow down.

I could focus on the number, or I could focus on the relationship.

When I focus on the relationship something, deeper happens within me. Something of love and respect for the needs of my fellow man is stirred up within me.

Body boundaries

Something a bit deeper.

I have a relationship with my body. I am not my body, but I sure am stuck with it. Out of love and respect for my body, I care for it by washing, feeding, taking medication, resting, exercising.

I have a relationship with my soul, my very self. I want to see my very life nurtured and cared for.

I love myself, not in any self-centered narcissist self-adoration way, but in a way that says that I’m OK.

So out of a desire to nurture the ‘self,’ I will have relational lines of love and respect around me that limit the influence of those that would not show love and respect to me.

I have at times given too much access to some that have shown no love and respect for me.

For some people I know, it is no longer a line, easily crossed over and abused; it is now a 10-foot high wall with a snarling dog behind it if they even come near intrusion into my life.

I care for myself. I have worth.

Another example.

I remember the day that I was visiting someone hoping to help them in some way.

They asked how they could contact me, so I explained my boundaries, lines of love, and respect. Then I turned the table and asked them what their boundaries were, their lines of love and respect, their expectations were.

They were quite shocked at this. They had never been asked by someone giving them support about what their boundaries needs were.

By asking this simple, yet highly empowering question, they felt they were on level ground in relational power with me. Their needs were considered as just as important as mine.

So why ‘Love and Respect’?

More on that next time.

Human life must be about more than building boundaries, protecting identities, and teaching impulse control. Richard Rohr

Questions to consider and leave a comment.

1. What does the word ‘Boundary’ mean for you?
2. Are ‘boundaries’ a self-centered concept?

Barry Pearman

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