You Can’t Make It On Your Own

We think we can do it all, manage life ourselves, but you simply can’t. You discover you can’t make it on your own.

They were told by their closest companion that they should not need others to affirm them. That they should be able to do it themselves. They should be totally self-reliant.

That was poor theology – the way we talk about God.

It drove them even further into dark loneliness.

There is a time and a place where all you truly want to have is the breath of an encouraging word flow over you and into you.

A friend who says, often without words, ‘I am with you, I am present, I know you, and I will not leave you.’

Do it yourself faith

I can’t do it myself and biblical character Job couldn’t either.

Job had pretty much lost everything. His wife, his children, his wealth and his health. Now he was sitting in the village dump throwing ashes over his head and self-harming. There was a depth of a dark hole that only a few of us truly get to.

Read more of the series on Job here

His friends had sat with him for seven days in quiet mourning. They were practicing Shiva. Following the rules, following ‘best practice’.

But now they leapt on him. I use the word leapt because that is precisely what I think they did.

Seven days of having been coiled up like a spring with all their thoughts and feelings about Job and something had to be expressed.

Eliphaz

The first one to speak was Eliphaz.

A reply to Job from Eliphaz the Temanite:

² “Will you let me say a word? For who could keep from speaking out?

^3-4 In the past you have told many a troubled soul to trust in God and have encouraged those who are weak or falling, or lie crushed upon the ground or are tempted to despair.

⁵ But now when trouble strikes, you faint and are broken.

⁶ “At such a time as this should not trust in God still be your confidence? Shouldn’t you believe that God will care for those who are good? Job 4:1-6

Here is what I hear Eliphaz saying to Job.

Job, Ive been listening to you. Now, would you let me say something? Are you open to hearing from me? Ive been listening and I have to say something.
Ive known you for a long time. Ive seen how you have helped many people in similar situations. How you have kept pointing them towards God, telling them to trust in God.
But, now that you’re in a similar situation, you’re not taking your own medicine.
Come on Job, have more faith, try harder, pray harder, trust God. You don’t need anyone but God.

And Job felt more lonely and lost than ever.

You can’t make it on your own

In the darkest places, we certainly need God, but we also need a companion who will affirm us as loved, known, and held. You can’t make it on your own.

I can live life in rugged independence.

‘I don’t need you or anyone else to affirm me or hold me. I’m a self made man or woman. Rugged and tough on the outside but, if im deeply honest, quite brittle and lonely on the inside. But I will keep up this facade. I won’t let anyone near the core of who I am.’

Or I can dance with interdependence.

‘I can be open to a few special others to sit with me. Safe others who won’t tell me to try harder and be someone that I simply can’t be at this moment. These true friends will see something of the God beauty and presence in me and want to kindle it into a fire. They gently blow on the darkening embers until they burst into flame.’

Let us consider how to stir up one another [blow on each other’s embers] to love and good works. Hebrews 10:24

The ‘Cor’ of Encouragement

Years ago I found this wonderful quote from business writers Jim Kouzes, Barry Posner

Encouragement has its root in the Latin word ‘cor’, which literally means “heart”. So does the word courage. To have courage means to have heart. To encourage – to provide with or give courage – literally means to give other’s heart. Jim Kouzes, Barry Posner.

What would it be like as a friend of Job to give him heart? To blow on his dying embers.

What was Job most afraid of at that moment?

Where was fear dragging his attention towards?

What would it have been like to sit quietly with him for not just the prescribed seven days, but for 70 days or even 700 days?

Grief and loss and pain have no ‘on and off’ switch. It comes and goes. The waves crash at unexpected moments and then there is another one.

You can’t put a person’s pain into an engineered formula.

 

‘(insert your name here), I simply want to sit, be quiet, and let my presence do all the talking.’

Sometimes you can’t make it on your own

The Band U2 captures it well.

Quotes to consider

• Real encouragement occurs when words are spoken from a heart of love to another’s recognized fear. Larry Crabb.
• The people who are going to be most controlled by their fears are the ones who don’t admit them and deal with them. Richard Rohr -Job and the Mystery of Suffering.
• Research teaches us that the capacity to reach out to others for help in dealing with fear and pain is the best single remedy for emotional injury. Whether the person is struggling with the effects of combat, rape, or childhood injury, the best predictor of trauma resolution is good social support. Terrence Real, I Don’t Want To Talk About It
• “There is a soul yonder which is lonely.” And he added, deep in his own mind, “I owe him a visit.” Victor Hugo Les Misérables.
• Loneliness isn’t the physical absence of other people, it’s the sense that you’re not sharing anything that matters with anyone else. Johann Hari

Questions to answer

1. Where do you naturally go to – Rugged independence, dancing interdependence?
2. Why do we feel the need to say need to say something, whereas beautiful silence and presence may say more?
3. What would be like to have someone to sit quietly sit with you?

Further reading

 

Has Your Mental Health Been Whittled Away

Everyone needs a Batman

Sitting Shiva is to say ‘I am with you’

Barry Pearman

Photo by Billy Pasco on Unsplash