Our brains can keep reminding us. ‘My Sin is Ever Before Me’ writes the poet, but what if we had a purifier?
It’s ever before me. It’s in my face.
If there was a common theme, I get from many of those who email me it is the sense of pain from past events. There’s guilt, shame, loss, regret, grief, and even self-hatred in some.
Failure is a common theme. A failure of themselves to their values and principles, but also a failure to their family and loved ones. A failure to God.
This failure morphs from having failures to one of being a failure. They identify themselves as failure. They are the scapegoat for all failure to land upon.
Shame causes us to see our identity as flawed rather than seeing ourselves as having flaws. Dan Allender Hope when you’re hurting
I’ve had my failures. No one gets it right. I have my regrets but I am not a regret and I refuse to allow myself to think that way.
There are plenty of rotten tomato throwers in life, but I refuse to jump into the soup.
Are your ‘sins’ ever before?
The fragile human ease, to turn our gaze in the wrong direction, away from perfection, feels on automatic and we need a default purification system to kick in on a moment by moment basis.
Sin is not a distance, it is a turning of our gaze in the wrong direction. Simone Weil, Waiting for God
My Sin is Ever Before Me
I like to read the stories of other humans who got it wrong, yet through the struggle valley of faith, discovered a purification system that seemed to kick in whenever it was needed.
Currently, I am reading the biographies of George Mueller and Oswald Sanders. Both had times of ‘My Sin is Ever Before Me.’
But that little phrase comes from a poet.
A Psalm of David, when the prophet Nathan came to him, after he had gone in to Bathsheba.
1 Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
and cleanse me from my sin.
3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me. Psalm 51:1-3
‘It’s in my face’ David was saying. The adultery, the lies, the murders, arrogance, pride.
And it needed to be, for a time.
Repentance needed to do its healing and refining work.
But there was also to be a time of purification.
David sings to this need.
Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
and cleanse me from my sin. Psalm 51:2
David is connecting us to the ritual exercise of washing of water. Lev 15:5
It latter years, a prophet would put it this way about God’s desire to purify.
I’ll pour pure water over you and scrub you clean.
I’ll give you a new heart, put a new spirit in you.
I’ll remove the stone heart from your body and replace it with a heart that’s God-willed, not self-willed.
I’ll put my Spirit in you and make it possible for you to do what I tell you and live by my commands. Ezek 36:26-27.
My Purifier is Ever before me
One of the changes I have noticed in our modern world is the use of purifiers.
I was raised on a farm and our house water supply came from a tank collected from rainwater off the roof. No filters.
If a rat fell in the tank and died, we would soon know by the taste and smell!
Today we have water filters and even UV lights for the water to pass through before it reaches your lips. All these filters and lights are there to filter and kill any undesirables. We even have water filters mounted on our bench.
We also have air purifiers to filter out the impurities in the air we breathe.
I would like a purifier for my brain. Something that would filter out all the rubbish that I no longer need to focus on because it has been dealt with.
I need someone to be a purifier of my consciousness.
I was reading Hebrews 1:3 the other day
He [Jesus] made purification for sins. Hebrews 1:3
Jesus has cleaned up my mess. It’s been purified. The mess, even from a distracted loss of focus tomorrow, has already been sorted too.
It doesn’t take away the consequences of being a fragile human being in broken messed up world, but it gives us the freedom to not have to focus on the failures as a life sentence where we have to go around like a leper in Biblical times shouting ‘unclean unclean’ Leviticus 13:45.
That’s not who you are.
You are clean.
A purifier stands before and says ‘You are clean’
Jesus stoops and washes from feet up into the microscopic neurons of your brain.
I am held
I am known
I am loved
I am clean
Drops of water
Drops of water
Touches of grace
Tears wiped
From off my face
Starting from my feet
Soiled and cracked
Warm and smooth
Soft linen, nothing held back
Places get touched
I could never reach myself
Warmth and love flow
Clean the nap of my back
I’m being washed
By someone I will likely hurt
Why would they do this
Love moves under my shirt
I want to do this myself
I’m self-reliant, you know
The Christ comes
And purifies under my toes
I will keep this great love
Ever before my face
I’m washed and clean
There is no disgrace
The old man wants to keep me back there
Crowds of accusers throw stones at my head
Christ walks through the noise
and washes again
Where I focus
I will go
From his face, warmth does flow
Purifying and making whole
Making me to him to know
Barry Pearman
Why this matters for Mental Health?
How much stress do you carry from past failures? We all have an ambient stress load. The load of regret and pain. Yes, it’s there, but can we ask Jesus to come and wash with supernatural pure water to cleanse us and make us whole.
Questions?
Comments?
Email me 🙂📨
barry@turningthepage.co.nz
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Quotes to consider
- Shame causes us to see our identity as flawed rather than seeing ourselves as having flaws. Dan Allender Hope when you’re hurting
- When we are shame-based, we can only focus on our own ache. John Bradshaw
- Love wins over guilt any day. It is sad that we settle for the short-run effectiveness of shaming people instead of the long-term life benefits of grace-filled transformation. Richard Rohr When Things Fall Apart
- The measure of the valley is the height of the mountain. Oswald Chambers: Abandoned to God: The Life Story of the Author of My Utmost for His Highest
- Shame is the raincoat over the soul repelling the living water of Jesus that would otherwise establish us as the beloved of God. Andrew Comiskey
- If no meaning can be given to human suffering, if our wounds are not capable of becoming sacred wounds, the human project is surely doomed to a blaming war of all against all. The future would then be full of scapegoats and victims. Richard Rohr -Job and the Mystery of Suffering
- Love wins over guilt any day. Richard Rohr When Things Fall Apart
- I know nothing, except what everyone knows – if there when Grace dances, I should dance. W.H. Auden, Collected Poems
- When grace enters a room we should begin to dance but, sadly, more often than not we let some little thing, some minor mosquito bite, blind us to grace’s presence. Ronald Rolheiser
- Grace is amazing, by disorienting us it properly orients us. Ronald Rolheiser
- Grace shows up when logic breaks down. Richard Rohr
Questions to answer
- How much are your ‘Sins ever before you’?
- Have you ever had your feet washed?
- What would it be like to have a purification filter for your conciousness and have it filtering out all the ‘Sins ever before me’?
Formation exercise
- Paul, I believe, describes his ‘Sins ever before me’ as a thorn in the flesh. It’s good to know we have a purifier in Christ, but what are the ‘benefits’ of an awareness of needing purification
Further reading
Barry Pearman
Photo by Zoltan Tasi on Unsplash
